This will sound so stupid but I'm reminded of the REO Speedwagon song that goes "I can't fight this feeling any longer. And yet I'm still afraid to let it show. What started out as friendship has grown stronger."

Yep. That's me. A stupid REO Speedwagon song. If I wasn't so depressed right now, I'd laugh.

My fucking car is on the fritz so I had to have Jim come get for trivia tonight. I love having him one on one, as I've said. At first I didn't think Brooke or Alli would be there but when we pulled up we saw Alli's car. So I was disappointed naturally but didn't let it show. I had drank two beers before he picked me up and drank a few more by night's end. We did pretty well at trivia but didn't win overall. I kept up my upbeat schtick and acted like everything was hunky dory.

Alli ended up driving me home since Jim had to drive Thomas and his trivia gear home. Brooke rode with them, probably on Thomas' lap. I didn't get a chance to say goodnight to Jim either.

It was nice to talk with Alli but part of me is always feeling guilty for how I feel about her b/f. I can't help that. I got home, texted to Jim "Goodnight. Thanks for the ride to (the bar)." He texted back "no problem. Hope you get your car fixed." I texted back "Me,too. I'll let you know. Can I ask u a question". To which he said "I think you just did". I wrote back something "With this whole Eston thing with him telling me to not bother him, I would hate to think that I'm ever bothering you. I would hate to ruin a friendship." He texted back "I would tell you...in a less mean way." I just couldn't reply to that. Because to me that means (right or wrong) that yes, I do bother him but it isn't annoying yet. So I kept crying. And crying. And slicing my wrists crossed my mind. Telling myself that I'm a waste of space. That I mean nothing. The usual. I'm still here though. For some unknown reason. I am still here.

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