I am so fucking doomed.

Today I called Jim to say hello and we chatted for a few minutes, nothing serious. We were thinking about going to see John Doe at a local club tonight though Jim isn't familiar with him so he wasn't sure. Also, I mentioned getting my monitor from him. Anyway, he was going to dinner and a movie with his mom, who was in town from a place about 50 miles away.

He said he'd call me when she was gone. He did, it was about 11pm, like he thought it would be. He texted me actually saying "Are you still at home? I can come over and bring you the monitor if you'd like". This kind of threw me since I wasn't prepared to have anybody over. As I've said before, this place is a mess, especially the bathroom and I cringe at the thought of anyone coming in even though Jim has been before but that was when we were both toasted.

So I called him and said "Are you sure you want to come over?" while laughing. He said he was going out so he could just swing by. I didn't know what he meant about going out so I maintained silence on that. He said he'd be by in about twenty minutes.

I hurriedly grabbed a garbage bag and threw some junk mail that was spilling out of a small trash can and then grabbed all the trash crap around my computer. Nothing like knowing somebody is coming over to make you try to clean up.

I sat out on the front porch and drank my Diet Pepsi Max and played on my cell phone. By the way, I had been dressed up a little so when I knew he was only just coming by for a few minutes, I slipped on jeans and took off earrings so I looked more casual. Nothing more sad than a woman being overdressed.

He drove up and stood up from the porch and heard a female voice say "Hey!". It was Alli. And my heart completely dropped. I really wanted to have a conversation with Jim. But now with Alli there, that wouldn't happen. And this is unfortunate that I wasn't happy to see her since I really do like her. I kidded with her saying that she was not allowed in my apartment because of how crappy a housekeeper I am. Alli tried to claim she was pretty bad and I replied "I think Jim could tell you I'm worse" to which he readily agreed making me laugh.

As we went to the porch, Jim asked how I was doing. I just sort of said "Oh. Ok." in this discouraged voice. Sometimes I just can't hide my feelings.

They followed me in and Jim took the monitor back to my bedroom and started setting it up. It looks so nice not to have a green monitor messing with my eyesight. He even adjusted the contrast and brightness for me. He's really such a sweetheart. Damn it.

We then all three sat on the back porch and smoked a cigarette and chatted about nothing much. I mean, what could I say that I really wanted to say "I guess you haven't told Alli about what Brooke said to you. How are you really feeling?" and also I just wanted to talk honestly with him about myself. Not to go as far to say "I love you as more than a friend" but to be more honest about who I am. But that will wait for another day. I don't know if he realized that I was finding it hard to know what was safe to talk about or not. But it was true.

Anywho, the reason Alli was with him was because he was picking her up from a party for her grandmother. Sigh. Just ...sigh. I didn't even mention the John Doe concert. I just didn't know what to say at all most of the time.

I mean, it was nice seeing him. I always love that. But, man. I'm so fucking doomed. I know it. I know it and there's nothing that I can or will do about it. But I'm admitting it that there will never be anything more intimate than a close friendship. I can hope and wish and dream. But there is probably only a million to one chance that that will happen for me and Jim.

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