Back in time [ 2003-09-04, 1:39 a.m. ]

I'm watching the movie "Somewhere in Time" right now. Christopher Reeve's character hypnotizes himself back to early 1900's. I have often wanted to do something like this. Whenever I look at old pictures of myself I want to go back to that place and time and completely experience everything again. Because when you are older it can really hard to remember all those things. Sights,sounds,tastes and smells. I want to whisper to myself to enjoy my girlhood. To also do my homework and study for the SATs. To put down that potato chip. Apparantly I want to nag me. But really, wouldn't you do the same kind of thing? To right my mistakes. Even though I don't mind where I am now, I know it could be better and more fulfilling.

Also, when I look at old pictures of my relatives (like my sisters and parents) I just look at all that hope and innocence and want to cry. Especially my parents and my sister, Mandy. Christy has done alright for herself because she was so determined and focussed. My dad's decisions along the way effected everything afterwards. His retiring from Western Union and starting his own company. Moving to Roanoke and then the decline of his company there that forced us to move back to Charlotte. I sometimes can feel like his life has been a series of disappointments. Some of his own making, some not. I just hope he doesn't think of it that way. Maybe its just me.

At the end of everything you can only hope to be peaceful and content with the way your life has finished. No regrets. Which is so difficult. But its really the only thing you can do. I know that things happen for a reason. And I try to be thankful for all the good things that have happened along the way that may not have if certain decisions beforehand had not been made.

Fatalistic is sometimes how I look at life. Things happen for a reason.

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Ryan Adams