The Dark Side [ 2003-10-28, 12:45 a.m. ]

Now blasting into my ears: Blackberry Belle

I don't know if I really am getting the flu this time or I'm becoming a hypochondriac. I don't know which I want it to be.

Yesterday was my day off and I woke up with a killer headache. I took some meds and managed to ease it some. Went over to my parents and watched the Panthers game (Yay! We won!). I ended up leaving at about 6:30 cause I was feeling run down. Went to sleep at 10pm which as you might guess is early for me.

I had to be at the managers' meeting this morning (almost every Monday) and woke up with the headache yet again. Took more meds and got there ok. The meeting was ok. Nothing major. Stopped at the drug store and got some good meds and went home. Took a nap and that helped with the headache. But man, I really do feel achy. Ugh.

Moving on...

Sometimes I hear the dark side calling me. I don't want to go over to it but honestly that's when I actually allow myself to feel. I've been wanting to try and lose weight in the past couple weeks but I haven't been able to put my all into it. Food numbs me. If I don't have food then I actually have to feel my emotions. It sucks but I know it is true. There is nothing deep in my childhood that has caused this. I do know that I use food as medication in my teen years because I was too shy. Then in my twenties it "helped" me get past major heartbreak over my first love. Ever since then I can trace my weight fluctuations with how happy I am (meaning in love). I'm not just 10 lbs overweight. I'm very overweight. So this isn't just a minor concern. I know I could seek therapy but that's something that I don't know how to proceed with. How do you choose one? And then I have to actually talk when I do see one. And being naturally shy...well, that would be just another obstacle.

So, I'm listening to the Twilight Singers and knowing that Greg Dulli knows what its like to overcome and fight addiction. Well, that's one more reason why I love his songs. The dark side. It beckons. I'm fighting it. But I really don't know what to do. When I've been at the dark side...I've lost weight. No appetite. Too pre-occupied with whatever/whomever I'm obsessed with to care about food. Obsessions equalling music, men, the computer. You know..the usual.

Black out the's party time.

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