Choices [ 2003-11-08, 11:19 p.m. ]

I feel so crappy today. Why I am at the computer is anybody's guess. I woke up this morning at 8am when the phone rang. Just a call I didn't want so I didn't pick it up. I drifted off for a little bit then got a call from the car repair shop. They finally figured out what was wrong with my car. Something about having a screw loose that kept blowing a fuse. Its official. My car is acting out. Wanting to be taken care of. Poor baby.

If I tell you why I felt like crap don't go "Ew". I had major gas cramps. Yes, I know that's very yucky. It hurt like a son of a bitch. I was able to feel ok enough by the afternoon to go with my dad to pick up my car. I had them change the oil also, by the way. After about a year I thought it was about time.

My dad on the drive over there asked how much I was paying to the credit counseling place a month. I told him it was $311. He asked how much longer I would have to pay that. I told him probably another four years. He then asked if that contract was breakable. I told him I didn't want to and that it would take me alot longer to pay off those debts without the credit counselor. He said that after the first of the year he was going to be selling some stocks and wanted to pay off my debt for me. (I had also told him that the total debt was something like $10,000). I protested that that money should be for his and Mom's retirement. He said he wanted to help me and my sister, Mandy. I'm not saying I won't accept the help cause God's knows I need it. I need to buy a new car badly. At least in my opinion I do. Plus if I had a new car I wouldn't have to keep borrowing money from them to keep my car alive. Hell. If he wants to do it then that's wonderful. If he can't or changes his mind that's fine. I'm old enough now to know that life isn't perfect. These kind of choices aren't black and white either.

For somebody like me who uses food and retail therapy to deal with problems, weight and major debt are the results. Now that I can't use credit cards, food has taken over. I'm so fucked up.

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Ryan Adams