Disappointed [ 2004-05-04, 12:35 a.m. ]

I'm disappointed in me. Two reasons.

I'm overdrawn on my checking account once again. Forcing me to call my Mom in the morning and ask for a loan. I hate this. I hate me for doing this. I hate me for being such a fucking space cadet when it comes to my money. I haven't even used the Quicken that I bought over a month ago. Ridiculous.

Second reason.

This morning I was bitching to Brenda about how much Jonathan annoyed the crap outta me. Blah blah blah. Then he comes in to work and I feel all guilty about bitching so much. Sure somebody may have little things that get on your nerves from time to time but then to talk about them behind their back like that when they've never done anything to harm you...that's just fucking shallow. I hate me.

I hate me for feeling sorry for myself too.

I hate me for always spending too much on food cause that's what I use to entertain myself. Eat. Alot.

I hate how huge I am.

I'm obese and I hate me.

I hate being such a whiny fucking selfish witch.

If I knew I could change overnight I would. I want to be thinner by the end of the summer. I want alot of things. I want to actually know my bank balance down to the penny. Its not that I think that these things will make me happy. I don't. I just think having a bit more control over my life will help me become happier.

One bright note today. The cast of The O.C. was on Ryan Seacrest's show tonight. Can't wait for the finale.

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Ryan Adams