Sixth Sense [ 2004-06-08, 4:10 a.m. ]

I'm listening to my favorite cd to listen to when I'm feeling a bit off...The Bends by Radiohead. Not exactly the most upbeat album. I've listened to this song when I've been depressed before. I'm not depressed now but this cd is like a touch stone for when I'm feeling out of sorts.

Do you ever know that something is going to happen soon but you don't know what and you don't know when? I swear that I have a very sensitive sixth sense about these things. The only trouble is I don't always feel how bad something might be. Not to say it will definitely be bad...I mean it could be good.

And I don't know if the change is around the corner or a few months down the road. But its like my brain is trying to prepare me for something. I just wish it could tell me what.

I can tell you that I'm going to try to lose weight. I'm not dieting. I hate dieting. It never works for very long with me. The only thing I can do to lose weight is to keep myself busy. Meaning not turning to food to entertain myself or comfort myself. Its my drug of choice. And I'm going to the methadone clinic. I'm not going cold turkey. I mean, hell, I gotta eat. But I just gotta wean myself from mindless eating.

This cd reminds me of the time I talked online to a guy for like 5 hours. We had several important things in common. I sent him my pic and he sent his. He loved how I looked but as for his pic, he just wasn't my type at all. But he was a very nice guy. Just reallly insecure. I, like the idiot I was, gave him my address. He sent me a humongous flower arrangement. I was still living with my parents at the time. Try explaining something like to your parents. But anyway, I was listening to this cd a lot when I was talking with him. This cd is like a soundtrack to the summer of 2001 for me.

I watched a terrific movie tonight, Shattered Glass. It stars Hayden Christensen but really the star for me was Peter Sarsgaard. What a great actor. Just incredible.

I liked the movie so much I watched it again with the commentary. I really like movies about journalists. Granted this one centered around Stephen Glass, the guy who made up stories while writing for The New Republic. But still the integrity that Sarsgaard's character Chuck Lane showed is really what inspired me. I have wanted to be a free-lance journalist since I was in junior high. I've written here and there a long time ago but never pursued it as a career. I hate that I've done that to myself. Threw it away because I didn't have enough confidence in myself.

So when I say something is going to happen...I mean that I'm going to make something happen. Its not going to be all at once..but it will come.

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Ryan Adams