I do it to myself [ 2004-08-24, 11:42 p.m. ]

New shoes to wear at work. My feet thanked me at the end of the day. Work was ok but I had a TMJ headache for half of the day which sucked. I swear to God I wish I could afford to have a massage every week. Or that I would actually make my lazy ass do the yoga tape I have. I mean, for crying out loud, I bought a yoga mat and I still haven't done it.

Remember how I was talking about the new cafe guy,Justin? The guy is so talkative and I like talking to him about music. He has pretty good taste. He likes singer/songwriter types. Poor guy. I kinda feel like he may be lonely right now because college hasn't started yet and he doesn't know anyone except for his roommate (who he only knows from the college getting them in touch). He keeps telling me about a show that he's going to go to at a local club and tells me I ought to go. I'm considering it but I don't know. I still don't feel that great about the way I look right now so going out to a club will only make me feel worse. I do it to myself and that's what really hurts (to paraphrase Radiohead).

I think I'm slowly beginning to realize what I need to do. Change my habits, connect with people more etc.. Knowing and doing are two different things though.

So I don't have a crush on Justin. I just like talking to him. I seem to be able to talk to guys who are in their 20's better than the ones my own age. I think part of me is slightly stunted because of the fact that I didn't leave the nest till I was 35. Its a different mind set. I've always been a late bloomer in so many things. Things I've never said here and won't till I feel comfortable doing so. Its been a year since I started this diary but still. I judge myself enough. I don't need other people's judgements. Or at least negative judgements. All positive judgements are welcome.

Hmm. When I started this entry I thought I had nothing to say. What do ya know.

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Ryan Adams