Dreamcatcher [ 2004-08-26, 3:32 a.m. ]

I don't know how I keep doing this. I end up watching Dreamcatcher on HBO every time I go past it. I'm not real sure what the hell is going on. All I know is this movie is fucked up.

Not Stephen King's best effort but I still keep watching some of it anyway. Its the pull of the King.

Yay! I have tomorrow off! Woohoo! I'm going over in the afternoon to my parents. Mandy's b-day is tomorrow (the big 44) and we're having cake and ice cream then. After that Mandy and I are going to Outback Steakhouse, her favorite place to eat. It should be fun. Give us time to talk and joke around. I don't see her often enough especially since she lives in the same town 30 minutes from my house. Sheesh.

I got a few curious emails from my friend,Kathy, who lives up in Raleigh. She's been having problems this past year with feelings of paranoia. But to her these feelings are very real not imagined. I don't know if she's going to a therapist right now but she's been to one in the past for some other problems she's had (her parents both have/had drinking problems and therefore a lot of co-dependency problems and then other things that I don't want to get into on the internet). Her husband,Robert, I think has a hard time understanding her paranoia but he's a supportive person so I think they'll be ok as a couple. I just hope she can get herself to understand why she's feeling so paranoid. She's been feeling like she sees the same person too many times, like they are stalking her and other things like that. I've talked with her at length about these feelings. And I took her feelings seriously but also tried to let her see a different way of looking at these things. But I guess I didn't really help much. At least not for the long term.

I just want her to feel good about herself. She's a smart and sweet person. I love her dearly and wish she would see that there is nothing to fear. That she's safe. I think that might be her biggest fear. That she's not safe. Her childhood really fucked her up.

My childhood wasn't that fucked up but the thing that I fear most is not having stability in my life. In fact, I had a dream last night that I was fired via email. How cold is that? I woke up relieved to realize that I was still employed. With all the debt I still have (and yes, I know that I spent money on Monday but that is rare..ok..sorta rare), the thought of not being employed fills me with such panic. I don't know why I dreamed that but I guess the thought that maybe I don't live up to what I should be doing at work can make me feel that way. Which is bullshit because I know I do a good job. I have my strengths and my weaknesses but everyone does. I don't know why I sound so defensive. Stupid low self-esteem.

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Ryan Adams