I'm just down [ 2004-10-12, 4:10 p.m. ]

I had 3 hours of sleep last night. So right now I'm vacillating between being depressed and amused. Amused because I'm watching Down With Love on HBO.

Depressed or really just sad, I guess, because this afternoon a phrase popped into my head that made me immediately think of someone. Someone that I haven't seen or heard from in over 3 1/2 years . His name was Matt and he lives about an hour or so away from me. I met him after IM'ing with him for a month or so. We had similar taste in music. And got along really well. But computer chemistry isn't the same as real life. Not for him at least. So my self-esteem took a real kick in the pants. I think I've talked about this before but I don't expect the one or two of you out there to remember that.

For some stupid reason I'll think of him at unexpected times. And it still hurts. I wasn't in love with him. That's not it. But the rejection still cuts me to the core.

I hate that it hit me today while my physical defenses are down. I'm still sick and I'm tired. I know I should just go take a nap.

Plus, I guess, part of me is feeling lonely. And being sick I don't feel like going out and doing anything. So I guess I'm just stuck with being lonely.

I need a nap. Before I cry again.

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Ryan Adams