I don't want to be lonely tonight [ 2005-01-18, 3:39 a.m. ]

3 more days till my vacation. I really need it to get here soon.

I'm supposed to close on Thursday. But I'm hoping I can get Diane to change shifts with me (she opens). Two reasons and they are both good ones. Idiot boy that I had to yell at on Sunday is on the schedule to close that night. I just do not want to have put up with him. Not on the day before my vacation. Actually not ever but that's beside the point.

My other reason for not wanting to close is that I found out today that Steve Earle is going to be playing in town that night. I've never seen him in concert and I love him. The man is a powerhouse songwriter. Just magnificent. There are only standing room only tickets left and those are $25 each. But if I can do it I'm going to try and get one.

I know I would have a good time even though I'd be by myself. Candy from work would be there with a group of friends who got tix already. But for the most part I'd be by myself. So if I can get Diane to switch with me, I just hope I don't punk out and not go. I wouldn't put it past me.

I work a mid-shift tomorrow so I really should be asleep now. But fuck that. I mean really. Who needs sleep anyway? I'm aware I shall hate myself tomorrow. It reminds me of the Seinfeld bit where he talks about hating nighttime Jerry. Daytime Jerry has to pay for all the late nights that Nighttime Jerry puts in. So for me, Nighttime Judith really doesn't care that much how groggy Daytime Judith is going to be tomorrow. That's Daytime Judith's problem not Nighttime Judith's.

I watched two eps of The O.C. tonight. And then half of the episode from the week before last. I kept them on my dvr waiting for the right time to catch up. I don't know how I got so far behind. Well, I do know. There are so many other shows on right now and most of them are an hour as well. I was a bit overwhelmed by all the recordings that I had. And also I had missed about 3 eps after the first show of the season.

I was thinking today about how solitary life can be most of the time. Especially when one lives alone. I don't mean that in an completely sad way. But I guess I start feeling that way at different parts of the day. When I left work tonight, Candy and Dave were talking about something and I walked over to my car by myself. Candy shouted out goodbye to me which was nice. But really, for a minute there, I just felt lonely. I don't need people around me all the time, Lord knows. But I guess I really am one of those people who needs contact a lot more than I used to think I did. I know I've talked about this before but it really hit me again tonight. Its weird when you've always categorized yourself as a loner. I guess being alone is fine for me maybe a bit more than what a lot of people care for. But I guess it is a relief for me to know that I could never end up one of those old ladies who locks herself away in her house and doesn't speak to anybody. Because I'm not going to let myself be that old lady. I will pester myself to make those efforts (such as going to see Steve Earle and getting together for coffee with Michael once a week).

Here's hoping Diane agrees to switch with me. I've had to pick up her slack often enough that she owes me.

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Ryan Adams