Money's too tight to mention [ 2005-04-16, 2:16 a.m. ]

I just can't get it out of my head that I am probably the only one who didn't get a raise. I'm going to ask Diane if she did. I don't like asking but I honestly need to know. Its driving me crazy. It pops into my head when I'm in the middle of something. I just feel so ..I don't know. I can't really describe it well. My self-esteem is plummeting. I want to feel like I'm in charge of my own destiny. But I can't seem to feel that way.

There is a Martina McBride song called "This is for the girls" where she talks about 25 year old women who live alone and eat spaghetti-o's and wonder where their life is going. Well,damn,Martina, I'm 39 and I live alone and exist on spaghetti and wonder where the fuck my life is going.

I don't want to be depressed about this but it just feels overwhelming to me. I honestly don't know how to put together a resume. Brenda gave me a copy of Resume Maker but I just feel ..overwhelmed is the only right word for it. The only word for my life. I just wish I could go back 10 years and take away all of my credit cards. It comes back to money again. I don't know what its like to really be out of debt. I just don't. And I really feel like I'll never know. I'm 39 fucking years old. I just need a chance. I'm never going to get to Paris. I'm never going to see London.

I'm so upset right now. I have the weekend off and I don't know if I can even enjoy it.

An hour and a half later and I'm trying to keep myself distracted. I just spent the last hour crying so much that my face got all puffy. Ugh. Anyway, I was perusing the 'net and looked at Randy's blog and the picture that he had there made me smile. Scroll to the end of Friday's entry and its the Canada dog sign.

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Ryan Adams