Bitter pill [ 2005-04-22, 3:10 a.m. ]

Sometimes my life just pokes fun at me. And always when I'm not in the mood to laugh. I think one of my biggest weaknesses is to be able laugh at myself when I'm in a bad mood. Too much pride. You'll see what I mean in a minute.

I drove to work this afternoon. Not in a great mood and thinking about how the store visit was going. I was getting really broody. No, that isn't a word. Anyway, I get into the store with about 5 minutes to spare and head over to the cafe to get a coffee. I wait for a couple minutes while the two people in front of me are served. I get up to the counter and Brenda gets me my tall coffee. She tells me that the store visit is still going on. I said something like "Ya know, I've decided I don't really care". She asked me what was wrong. I said that if it doesn't go well I'll just get blamed for it just like my review. Yes, my name is Bitter. She gave me a look like I was speaking a foreign language. I don't know. Anyway, I walk over to the condiment bar and put in my sweet n' low and go to put the cover back on the coffee cup. I don't do it just right and all over the front of my shirt. Wonderful.

I almost burst into tears right there. I walked over to the counter and let Jeremy know that I'd just spilled my coffee. Then I muttered that I was going home to change. What got me was that Brenda didn't really react to any of this. Sometimes she's a bit clueless. Love her but still..

I got in my car and rolled the back window down halfway and rolled down the front driver's side window. Its been in the low 80's here. I almost burst into tears again and got on the phone to let Diane or Amy know that I was going to be late. I got ahold of Amy and briefly told her what happened.

Then I did burst into tears. Not sobbing, thankfully, but I did cry. I feel like I do that way too much lately.

About 5-10 minutes away from my place, I heard a buzzing sound. I glanced back and saw that on the inside of the door that I had rolled the window halfway down, there was a honeybee. I just about freaked. I have a very healthy fear of bees. I tried to figure out what to do. Look for a quick parking lot to go into. But nothing doing. After a couple minutes though it flew out by itself.

The thing is that a tiny part of me was watching this go on and was saying "You know that's pretty funny". But it wasn't at the time, believe me. I got home and quickly put on another shirt. It was so tempting to just say "fuck it" and just stay there for a while longer. But I didn't. That brings to mind another thing. There have been so many moments at work lately where if I didn't have rent to pay, I would just say "I quit. That's it. Try to find another person as a good as me. One with all the knowledge I've acquired over the past 11 years. Good luck to ya.". But of course I don't.

So I got back to work and on the way there managed to calm myself down some. I found out that the store visit did go well. Actually the store visit went on till about 6pm or so. That was a 9 hour visit. Oy. Everytime the DM talked to me, I answered without much problem. While I don't have a photographic memory, I have a pretty damn good one and can recite figures when called upon to do so. Plus, I know policy very well. And can make judgement calls. So fuck you, DM.

No. I'm not Bitter.

I did mention to Jeff and Chris (DM) about knocking my leg into the safe door and then spilling coffee on myself and then having the bee in my car. She told me that I should lie down after having to deal with all that. Ha. Funmy. No, really it is. I'm trying to reign in the bitter. Its really no fun. But its still there.

Diane was stressed out from the visit. Apparantly Chris had her cornered for an hour and a half mainly talking about "workload planning" which Diane always seems to have a hard time grasping even though we've been doing it for a few years now. Its my strength and not her's. But she says everytime there's a store visit it's her turn on the schedule,which requires the workload planning. And it freaks her out to try to explain it and to show she understands it. Its a stupid paperwork exercise. Its useless pretty much to people like she and I that have been doing the scheduling for several years now. We know this store and we know about using hours.

I'm off tomorrow which will be spent lazing around and then going to visit the 'rents for clothes washing and food eating.

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Ryan Adams