- [ 2005-12-02, 8:28 p.m. ]

So as my last "entry" stated, I'm a NaNoWriMo winner. To my astonishment, I'm one of only 9800 people or so that finished/won of the over 55,000 participants. That's pretty cool. And only on my second try. I ended up writing the last 6000 words on Wednesday night from about 6:30 to 11:30pm. Turned it in then with a half hour to spare. I ended it at 50,132 words. Next time I'm using an outline but still, it's not bad for a rough draft.

I realize I haven't really updated since the Monday before Thanksgiving. So..I shall recap some:

The day before Thanksgiving I went out to my car to go to work in the afternoon and the battery was dead. Because God hates me. Anyway, my dad came over, drove me back to their house and I borrowed my mom's car for a couple of days. So then on Friday, before going into work, we jumped the car and he followed me to the auto parts place and we had a battery installed. Fun.

Thanksgiving Day was very nice. I had two dinners. The first was at 2pm at my parents' house and Mandy and all of her kids were there. Then I went over to Michael's house around 5pm. I kinda wished I'd been able to stay with my family longer but anyway, the dinner at Michael's was nice if a bit of a small crowd. It was me, Michael, Paco and two women who came to the dinner last year. All in all though it was really nice and we all talked for a long time. I left at 10pm.

Anyway, I think the reason I haven't felt up to updating, besides writing the novel, was because of what happened this past Monday at work. I came close to being fired. My DM came into the office and told me that if I didn't show MUCH improvement in the next month that "we'll have to think about separation" to use her words. You don't know how much I was sobbing. Right there in the office. And now it's all I can think of. I told them I felt like I was being set up to fail and I think that's the only reason they're giving me through the month, besides not wanting to be short a manager through Christmas. They are covering their asses so I won't call and complain about this.

I've applied for a few jobs off of monster.com and I don't know what will come from those. I'm scared. And I'm sad. And I feel like depression is taking over my life. You can function with depression, I've done it before. But a lot of the joy of life has gone out of me. I'm crying as I write this. I just wonder what I did to deserve this. What did I do?

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Ryan Adams