Everywhere you go, you shout it [ 2005-12-16, 5:10 p.m. ]

I have a problem. I didn't know I had a problem till last night. Granted, I was tired so my emotions are simmering right at the top. But I was lying in bed trying to sleep and I asked myself why I was feeling so blue. And then I realized my problem.

Way once in a while I'll have an experience at a concert that will make the rest of my life seem so..vanilla, in contrast that I just get so depressed about the fact that it happens rarely.

Don't get me wrong. Other concerts that I've been to have been a lot of fun and hey, meeting John Doe a couple weeks ago really made me happy. But his music is different from U2's music. U2 is in my top 5 favorites of bands/musicians/songwriters. If you don't like them and can't understand how I can feel this way, then think of your favorite artist and how they make you feel. To me, when I listen to them, it's a very personal thing. And seeing them in such a personal way..being so close to them..well, it really sent me on a high that I was destined to crash from.

The last time I felt this way was way back in Oct.2000 when I met Greg Dulli when he was first touring with his new band, The Twilight Singers. The concert was great. It was in a small club in Atlanta. But then I got to meet him and he gave me one of his patented full body hugs and talked with my friend and I for a few minutes. I remember a few days later when I was at work having this same feeling. That I was never again going to feel this way. And then I started crying right in front of a customer. Luckily, that hasn't happened yet. I'm staying too busy at work to think much.

The thing is...a couple weeks ago..when I was feeling so down about work, I asked the advice of some online friends on my message board about how you go about finding a psychiatrist. That I really didn't feel well-balanced and I don't think I ever have. I have no idea what it's like to have normal brain patterns. That suicide isn't a common thing to think about. Not just when I'm feeling extremely blue but also when I'm feeling slightly down. It isn't normal and I really wonder if medication would help. It isn't like I'd let myself go that far. I mean, I have sort of tried but stopped myself in the distant past. I would hate to do something like that to my family. That's honestly what keeps a lot of the darkest thoughts at bay. Don't be alarmed. I'm not that low right now. I just hate when it pops into my head out of the blue.

Anyway, I hate that I'm letting myself down from that concert high on Monday. I was fine. Even great on Tuesday. But then Wednesday, it started to seep out of me. Then yesterday, I just felt an incredible sense of loss. I can totally understand why people follow bands on tour. You don't want to let that go.

I can be ok. I know I will be. I only want to keep that optimistic, passionate sense that I was riding on. It needs to come back.

2 comments so far

last - next

Ryan Adams