I'll give you everything you want except the thing that you want [ 2005-12-18, 8:31 p.m. ]

I'm feeling a bit better than I was on Friday. I know that whole feeling is there below the surface but frankly, with work and the holidays I'm pushing it to the back of my mind.

Work has been pretty busy. Good busy so usually the time doesn't drag. Always a good thing.

I brought for the bookseller luncheon yesterday, corn casserole (the recipe I used for Thanksgiving) and the famous family chocolate balls (those are the peanut butter/graham cracker crumbs/coconut/butter/powdered sugar balls that you dip into melted chocolate). Every single person who had one went on and on about how much they loved them. They were all gone by the end of the day and I had made a double batch.

I spoke with my sister,Christy, on the phone today and told her about the U2 concert. She was so jealous yet happy for me to have gone and had that experience. I think she and Mandy have been the people who have really understood what a great time that was for me. This is why they are my friends as well as my sisters.

Cat left a comment for me on the last entry that maybe I should consider a career in music since I have such strong feelings for it. Well, I have worked at a club and a record store in my past. But that was over 12 years ago now. And I know that I'd love to do ..something like that again but the pay is usually not too good. I guess the thing for me is that I've always wanted to be a singer. I can sing. I sing pretty damn well, thank you very much. But my self-confidence in performing in front of people has always held me back. I've done stage work when I was a theatre major and got through it. But that was different. If you're singing with a band, you're more likely to be heckled. And being overweight..well, the chances are pretty great. It's an excuse, I know. Plenty of fat women or men sing on stage and get through it. But for me..I'd have to really regain some of the self-confidence that I used to have to be able to try. It's a pipe dream but I like to entertain it sometimes.

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Ryan Adams