The road not taken [ 2006-01-10, 11:49 p.m. ]

I have had a headache for almost two days now. It's not so much a sinus headache, although it wanders there every once in a while, but it's like right on top of my head. Like if I could just press down on my skull, then the pain would go away. Looking at this computer screen is not helping. So this entry will probably not be too long.

Yesterday the pain started right after lunch. I had called my sister to make plans to go see a movie later that day. But then the headache started and I realized it wasn't going away, so I cancelled.

I had made plans with Christie to see "Brokeback Mountain" and since the pain wasn't as intense, I went ahead to see the movie. That movie broke my heart. It was trying to kill me it made me so sad. The lead actors, Heath and Jake, were just amazing. I've never seen Heath show so much grit and truth in a character before. Of course, he hasn't had many roles even close to that kind. And Jake. What can I say about him? He was just heartbreaking. Both of them need to get Oscars. Truly.

My Mom called me today to let me know she'd gone to the doctor. I was chiding her on Saturday about the fact that her cough was still lingering from the cold she'd had over Christmas. I insisted she call the doctor on Monday. So she finally got to go see the doctor today and was told, like me back in late summer, that she has bronchitis. So at least she got some good meds for it and I hope she's better soon. All that coughing can wear a person out.

One more work day and I get to be off for two days. Hallelujah.

I had the "fun" of sitting in with my manager and one of the dept.managers while she told the dept.manager about some problems she'd been having with him. She wanted me there in case he got too defensive/offensive. I guess since I was more of a friendly face it might help put him at ease. I guess it did. The things she had to tell him were true but I felt bad anyway. I really hate having to sit in on things like that. It's not as bad as having to be the one to actually say the things or to hear them. But it does make me feel uncomfortable. I think I'm too empathetic.

I close tomorrow so at least I can sleep in. I hope that'll do my headache some good. If it doesn't, then I'm going to buy some migraine headache OTC pills.

I think the reason why the movie got to me so badly is that it's about not following your heart. Not letting yourself be happy. Being so afraid of taking the chance. I admit that there are many things I regret not doing. But I do know, that when it comes to love, I've taken a million chances. I always wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't know how not to. So that I don't regret. But there are people..actually one particular person that I wish I could have a second chance with. I have a feeling that will never happen. I remember him as the first man I loved. And while he was full of his own problems and the timing wasn't right, I just regret that we weren't given the chance to really see where things could go. I loved him and I know he loved me but probably to a lesser degree. He loved me as a friend. And when I think he was maybe ready to see me as more, I was too hurt to let anything happen. My defenses went up and I mentally pushed him away. I remember the exact moment in my head when he gave me a kiss goodbye when he was leaving a club one night. He kissed me on my mouth and when I pulled away, the look in his eyes really spoke volumes. But I stepped back and waved goodbye to him.

That's the moment I want back.

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Ryan Adams