I'm an extraordinary machine [ 2006-02-18, 2:49 a.m. ]

Now Playing: Extraordinary Machine--Fiona Apple

I just downloaded this album the other day and it's just great. Highly recommend.

I really know how to spend a Friday night. After getting off work and finally getting that wedding gown in the mail that I helped my sister sell on eBay, I went over to my parents' house for clothes-washing and dinner. Got home by 8pm. Put away clothes, put on jammies and ended up falling asleep for a couple hours lying flat on my back which is NOT how I usually fall asleep. I was just dog-tired.

Thursday night I was struggling to stay awake for the men's skating in the Olympics. As soon as I saw who got the medals, I turned off the tv and fell straight to sleep. Not my usual self.

I'm still a little freaked at the thought of this surgery. I know I want to have it. No doubt about it. If it can fully restore my hearing, then great. But the only time I've had surgery was dental surgery. Nothing major. The thought of somebody messing with my ear..it's just weird. I'm wondering if I'll have a scar. I'm hoping if there is it will be behind my ear, not in front where everyone can see.

I think I'm trying to get into a real funk here but I'm trying to not. I just feel physically tired and sore. My left ankle and foot have been hurting plus my right hip. I'm falling apart.

I have so much to be happy about. But don't tell my psyche that. I'm so stupid. Like today at work. It was about 3:25pm and I was in the office just tying up loose ends. My manager was on the phone and asked how late I was there. I told her I was leaving in about 5 minutes or so. She said "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and go now?". All nice and all. So I did and as I'm walking to my car, my usual paranoia comes roaring up "Maybe she wanted me to leave so she could write my review. Maybe she thought I was just piddling around and wanted me gone." God. I hate that part of me. I know I earned the right this past autumn to have a bit of paranoia. And honestly, I really don't know how my review will go. I take nothing for granted. Ever since I was a teenager, things in my life are always or almost always never to be counted upon. Live with parents and all the money problems and job problems and you'd know what I mean. Stability is not something I take for granted. Honestly.

I don't know when I'll ever feel secure. Does anyone ever feel security? I know that things happen in everyone's life that are unexpected. People get sick, etc.. But in my life (I know..boo hoo) I always feel like I'm on shaky ground. That's why I took me so damn long to move out on my own. I was always waiting. Waiting for the exact perfect moment. It never came but somehow I took a chance. It worked out, thankfully.


Sigh. I phoned Mandy tonight to ask her when she wanted to come get her half of the money for the wedding gown. She said she was about to walk out the door for Bob and Sarah's birthday dinner. I had totally forgotten. Totally and completely. Even though I use their birthday as part of password that I use every single day. Geez. How lame am I?

My niece, Sarah, got on the phone and gloated to me that she'd gotten an iPod shuffle. She reminded me that I'd told her "good luck with that" when she'd mentioned wanting an iPod for her birthday a couple weeks ago. I said that the shuffle was good but the one that I really wanted was the $300 iPod. I like how I'm discussing iPods with my 15 year old niece.

Anyway, I'll have to get a card for them and a gift card to somewhere. I can't believe they're 15 already. Freaky.

I didn't get a chance to tell my sister about the surgery but hopefully I'll see her on Monday when she comes by for her half of the money. I also need to email my other sister to update her on my life. Mainly the Gulfport trip and the surgery are the big news. Other than that, I'm pretty boring. But sometimes boring can be nice for a while.

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Ryan Adams