Haunted by the lies that overwhelm [ 2006-03-16, 3:48 a.m. ]

It's amazing what a couple of days can do to your frame of mind. Work, in particular.

I, once again, got dressed down for some things that, in reality, aren't that big of a deal. But if I hadn't done them, then I would've been dressed down for not doing them. I truly can't win. I really can't. Just the thought of going back to work on Friday (I'm off on Thurs.) fills me with dread. I can't take that place.

I know I've said it before. But there are weeks that I can just push it to the back of my mind and not let it get to me. But it has again. And I know that there's less than a week to go for the certification bullshit and then 6 days after that will be my yearly review. I'm sure that will go just wonderfully.(/sarcasm) No, I'm sure it will end with me feeling like I'm worth nothing. Which seems to be the way she likes things.

I applied to a few places on monster.com a few minutes ago. While I would love to be able to last long enough to get my operation and then my vacation at the beginning of June..I don't know if I can. I'm so stressed out by work that on Tuesday, that day being my first real day off for almost 10 days (which may be no big whoop to some of you but working in retail..it can drain you) I just slept the whole day. I had no idea my whole being needed to just rest and hibernate. Sleeping is that drug you take to completely retreat from the world.

But then there's times like now, where I've been up almost a full 24 hours on about an hour and a half of sleep. Why? Because the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner my day off starts then I'll have to eventually go to sleep that night..then start this whole shitfest over again.

I was driving home from my mom's house tonight after clothes-washing and dinner. I was listening to a repeat of Terry Gross on NPR. She was interviewing the medical examiner of Louisiana. He's written a book about the experience of the aftermath of Katrina. His words were just so shocking and sad. She asked him how he's dealt with all that death around him. He sighed and said "Well, the nightmares have finally stopped." That kind of thing can put my crapfest of a life into perspective. True, I still have to live it but I know that in the end all this bullshit at work means zero. Nada. Nothing. If I can have enough to make rent,electricity,phone and basic cable...well,then I can be satisfied till I find something better. If I have to make do with a job that pays less than what I laughingly make now..so be it. At least I'm not destitute. I have family and friends to support me in one way or another if worse comes to worse.

Feeling as drained as I do right now, it's hard to feel positive about going to work again. I feel like my brain cells are fried. My self-esteem is very low. And my attitude is in the tank. But at least I don't have nightmares of trying to identify decomposed, bloated bodies.

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Ryan Adams