Canadian Sunset [ 2006-03-31, 2:43 a.m. ]

How long do you keep somebody on your MSN Messenger when you don't talk to them on it? When he keeps (you knew it had to be a "he") appearing on your list as Online but you have a feeling that you aren't on his list anymore. I don't know that that's true but ... Gah. I hate that it bothers me.

Work is the same. Yesterday I spent almost 11 hours there on about 4 hours of sleep. Came home. Ordered pizza. Struggled to stay awake so I could watch Veronica Mars and eventually gave in around 11pm. Slept for a solid 12 hours while I dreamed that I went to work in my pajamas. No lie. I finally got out of bed at 1pm when I had to be at work in an hour's time. So. I felt drugged most of the day and my allergies were kicking my ass despite the Allegr@ and N@sonex. Sinus headache big time even though I took FOUR tylenols. Blah.

I really wonder why I'm even trying hard. I am seriously going to leave even though that will probably..most likely.. mean that I won't be able to have my ear surgery due to insurance. It sucks. But that's the breaks.

My manager talks to me like I'm a friend while at the same time I'm trying to act normal towards her. She told me that she sold her house after one showing which was yesterday. I chatted with her about that like ...I don't we had a normal manager/peon relationship. She likes me because I make her laugh. I know that much. But aside from that..I don't think what she's doing to me is personal. I'm aware she doesn't enjoy making me miserable. And I know the pressure on her to make the store turn a profit is immense. I'm aware of all that. But...still I feel completely unappreciated and I just can't put up with that anymore. I'm worth more than that. As bad as my own self-esteem is..I'm aware of that much.

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Ryan Adams