A thousand miles from nowhere [ 2006-07-17, 3:48 a.m. ]

I'm having one of those nights where no matter what I do..I can't sleep. Part of it is physical (my period) and some of it is mental (work worries). But most of it is emotional. Just feeling reflective about things. I haven't felt like this..or let myself feel it...for a while.

I sent a forwarded message to Tanya (remember..the friend that I haven't spoken to in almost 3 years) a couple days ago. It was one of those silly friendship week things but I did it anyway. She sent it back to me like the email tells you to do. It made me feel good that she would even respond to something like that. So, I emailed her a real email a little while ago. Mainly just giving her a quick update on my life and also just touching on the fact that we stopped talking and I don't know why. I told her to email back to let me know how she is and maybe we can get together soon. We'll see.

I just hate not having a close girlfriend in my life. It sucks.

Anyway, it also hurts more to get that pang of lonliness I feel when I long to be with a guy. To be honest, as much as I love music, it's an outlet for that obsessive feeling one gets when one is infatuated/in love with somebody. I mean, I love music regardless of who is in my life but it also can influence what I feel like listening to. Lately, it's been songs that evoke thoughts of sex,passion or just dark thoughts. Yea, that's really not that new for me. But I go through phases on it.

It's really bad when you're making a mix for somebody and have to restrain yourself from making every other track a song by the Afghan Whigs. Dulli just oozes the sex/darkness thing. He specializes in it, actually.

Hell, as I type, my launchcast radio station is playing "My Curse" from the Gentlemen album. Even launchcast knows what I want to hear right now.

And now it's playing "All I Want Is You" by U2. Sigh.

To feel that ache.. of needing the physical closeness of a man.. I can't tell you how much it can actually hurt sometimes. Sure, I block it out a lot. I have to. Who wants to feel that emptiness every second? So I supplement that ache with other things...music,food,music and more food and music. Only one of those two things can really make me feel better. And it ain't the oreos. And by better I don't mean smiling happy. I mean the feeling that I'm not alone in it. That other people can feel this way. It isn't like I don't know that by reading diaries/blogs. But mine is a bit unique, I gotta say. Not many 40 year old virgins out there. And Steve Carrell doesn't count.

I just feel hopeless sometimes. Like, I do this to myself and I can't stop. I have such a hard time talking myself out of bad habits. I just need to change a couple things about my choices and I could do so much better. The problem is change, though. It's scary. Staying rooted to the same place you've been for 30 years of your life is so much safer. And just plain easier. I swear to God. I just want to scream. Cry and scream.

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Ryan Adams