this is dangerous [ 2006-09-28, 2:31 a.m. ]

Probably an entry I'll want to delete but whatever..

I went to the karaoke bar tonight and saw the cute dj from last week. I realized tonight that of course he has a cute,nice girlfriend. She even complimented me on my song. So I can't hate her. But I can hate myself plenty. I drove home crying just wondering why I even try. Why I even think I ever have a chance with any guy that I like. Cause I never do. I can't live like this. I really can't. I'm so sick of being alone. I've been alone for so damn long I don't know any different. I listened to Nirvana on the way home and talked to Kurt in my head. "I can't do what you did. I can't do that to my family and friends. I can't make them wonder what they could have done. But I really wish I could just end this pain like y ou did your own. I really wish I could.". That's what I said. To a man who is no longer alive. Cause I feel closer to Kurt Cobain than I do to any man alive in my life. I remember two weeks before he died, Kurt appeared in a dream to me. He appeared at the end of my bed and I looked up and he just looked at me so sadly with those blue eyes of his. So when he killed really wasn't a surprise so much as a shock. He was my age. I still miss him. I miss somebody that could know how fucked up inside I am. It hurts so much. so damn much.

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Ryan Adams