I had an odd disturbing dream last night.
First off, I was lying in bed thinking about things. As one is wont to do. I was thinking a bit about Matt and thinking..ya know..I don't have a love crush on that guy. I honestly just have a lusty crush on him. And I'm like a puppy around him and I just want to kick myself. Then my brain shifted to thinking about other things. I was thinking about my parents and how, if I'm lucky, I'll have another twenty years with my dad around, though with his health issues I fear that is optimistic. My mom has good genes and could, hopefully, be with us for at least 30 years, God willing. I then stopped myself from becoming depressed and said to myself "Would you please stop thinking about that and just go back to superficial thoughts?!". So I did.
I eventually fell asleep and suddenly I was in an episode of The Office. But instead of Rainn Wilson playing Dwight Schrute, it was some other guy that I couldn't really see his face but he had short dark hair that almost covered his eyes. There was a scene playing out in the parking lot of the Dunder Mifflin building. Then it was over and I was talking to this guy playing Dwight. We walked away from the other people (and no,John Krasinski wasn't around). We were talking and then started kissing. All of a sudden he got really rough with me, against my will. I woke up with screams literally in my throat and could feel his knee trying to pry my legs apart. It really shook me up.
Living alone I do get scared once in a while. Not much but still I laid there in bed listening for any weird noises. Then, to shake the weird feeling, what did I do? I watched this past week's episode of The Office. Ha.
Anyway, I was trying to analyze that dream. What I came up with was that my feelings about my own self-containment were being threatened. That I'm scared of what that moment will be like when I actually allow myself to leap into the great unknown. I don't consider myself a prude but this past week has taught me that maybe I am. I never thought of myself that way though. Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not sort of wild. It just means that I'm scared of letting myself let go to that degree. Why the hell I'm like that I'm not really sure. When I was at the dance club Thursday night for Marcia's birthday and I was leaving, Marcia gave me a hug, in her drunken way, then tried to kiss me. I let her peck me on the lips but that was it. She really doesn't understand that it just isn't my thing. I don't know. Of you out there who are really open sexually...does that make me a prude? Should I just kiss a girl because I haven't? Should I have done a three-way just because I had opportunity?
Anyway..I had a nice moment at work today. One of my music sellers, Robbie, asked me what my tastes in music were. I told him about how I really lean towards modern-rock,alt-rock and indie rock. I named my usual suspects and he asked me what my background in music was, if I'd done something like that before. Which led to me telling him my background in working at the club, the record store and currently writing for the music 'zine. He is so young that I impressed him. He's probably 20, I think. And when I told him of the various musicians I'd met, his eyes bugged out. Heh. I told him when it was quiet in the music dept. one night I would tell him more stories. The best thing about getting older. The stories you can tell.
I just wish I had smuttier stories.
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