Love Spit Love [ 2007-01-13, 2:49 a.m. ]

Here's the article I just wrote for the music 'zine. I even put in a disclaimer for the readers of the zine so nobody gets offended.

Warning: The following article contains bile, sarcasm and the F-word.

I think the J. Geils Band said it best when they sang, “Love stinks/Yea, yea”. A profound statement. I’ve always been a fan of the anti-love song. Not just the HATE song but also the “Why the hell am I in love with you of all people?” song and the “Would you just leave me alone now?” song. Not to mention the “Stop taking advantage of me” songs. There are some classics out there for all kinds of anti-love moods.

And I figured that with my least favorite Hallmark holiday coming up, now was as good as time as any to make a play list for that oh-so-special day.

We could start with a fun ‘80’s tune by Scandal when it was simply called that before Patti Smyth put her name before it. They had the toe-tappin’ hit “Goodbye to You”. It’s a nice kiss-off song without too much bitterness. Staying in the same decade, there is Joan Jett with “I hate myself for loving you”. In this song, the girl needs to get a clue. I wanna walk but I run back to you/that’s why I hate myself for loving you. C’mon, Joan. Just keep walking.

What you need is Carly Simon’s “You’re so Vain” to put the guy in his place. I mean, really. Who dates a guy who wears an apricot scarf? Let’s move on to some angry songs. Next up, Puddle of Mudd’s “She Hates Me”, which gets my admiration for the lyrics She fucking hates me/la la la love. And what angry anti-love collection would this be without Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” where she flips off her ex in front of the whole world.

Speaking of angry love, on the male front you have to include a song from the Afghan Whigs, who were kings of the fucked-up love songs. My favorite of those being “What Jail Is Like” where Greg Dulli growls, “You want to scare me then you’ll cling to me no matter what I do”. Then there’s the unexpected Harry Nilsson song that a friend recommended to me called “You’re Breaking My Heart (So Fuck You)”. This from the man who brought you “The Puppy Song”! Adding to that, there’s Ani DiFranco’s “Untouchable Face” with her lyrics “fuck you for existing in the first place”.

We could throw in a few depressing songs from Joy Division (“Love Will Tear Us Apart”) and Patsy Cline (“Crazy”) but I prefer to finish it up with Tom Petty & the Heartbreaker’s sardonically toned “You Got Lucky” and the Dandy Warhols’ “Solid” where Courtney sings “No more sittin’ around thinking about your hair” with the super-bonus track from Ben Folds Five, “Song for the Dumped”. Just give him back his damn black t-shirt! For the love of God.

I think this play list should get me through the day that will be filled with heart-shaped chocolate boxes and teddy bears. Which will be discounted the next day for all of us who didn’t receive them. Not that I’m bitter. Nope. Not me.

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Ryan Adams