I cry, therefore I am [ 2007-02-23, 3:01 a.m. ]

Things are going ok lately. The P@xil seems to be helping most of the time. It's been just over two weeks since I started taking it and I can feel that my panicky moments are a bit easier to control. Not completely but better. I had a moment like that tonight where I got defensive and then pulled back from it. Decided to not take it personally and that it wasn't meant personally. That really isn't easy. Not at all. I always take things way too personally. I feel defensive about everything and inadequate about most things. Hence, the need for drugs and therapy.

I haven't cried over anything but tv shows that made me cry. Nothing in my real life has done anything but slightly made my eyes water. It's weird. I'm almost afraid of losing that part of myself. It makes no sense, I know. I had a friend who was on manic/depression drugs and she would stop taking them because she wanted to experience the highs. I'm the opposite. I was quite used to wallowing in my lows.

Anyway, I didn't go to the karaoke bar last night like I thought I would. My excuse was that I watched 3 movies (Babel, The Departed, and Marie Antoinette). But the real reason was that I didn't have the heart to go there by myself. So, yes, the drugs don't cure everything. I regret not going but I'm trying to promise myself that I'll go next week. I just don't want to get back into my rut of not going out. That would not be good.

Crush boy was not at work today. He called in sick. And just when I was looking kinda cute. He better be there tomorrow.

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Ryan Adams