Wishin' and Hopin' [ 2007-03-13, 8:56 p.m. ]

Some days bring unexpected things.

I started the day feeling this sense of doom. Completely unenthusiastic about the work day. When, usually, I'm all for being there. My job is usually a "happy place" now. But because of that mystery shop thing, I was just not feelin' it, yo.

But I did look forward to seeing my boy. I hadn't seen him since last Tuesday and he was coming in at 3pm. But I digress.

I sat there for the manager meeting for a while but had to duck out to do the weekly count of dvds we have to do. And now we have to do twice what we were doing so next week I need to come in at 6am. Woo! So, having to leave the meeting early always makes me feel out of the loop and I hate that. This is why I hate that we moved the meeting to Tuesdays but it's out of my hands for that. Coming in at 6am from now on for Tuesday might help that feeling.

So, Candi didn't mention the mystery shop while I was in the meeting so I had no clue what she was going to say to me. Later in the morning, Laurel gave me a hug because I told her how much this was weighing upon me. Plus, I was slightly spazzing out because I realized I didn't order enough signage for the dvd fixtures to get them spruced up for the store visit from the DM on Friday. Sigh.

Anyway, Candi comes back for her shift at noon and I paged her close to 1pm and said "Hey,when do you want to talk to me?". She laughed and said "You sound so enthusiastic about it". I just laughed quietly and said "Well..". So she came over about a half hour later. She wanted to talk about one of our music sellers and we did. And she asked me "Are you ok?". I told her "Not really. I just keep thinking about this mystery shop". We talked and she said she wasn't writing up anybody and that I was obviously punishing myself enough. Plus, she said that we'd been through too much together and she really didn't want to pile more on me.

That really gave me pause. And made me realize how much I beat up on myself. Enough for anybody. Anything anybody can think about me, I can think of 10 times worse things. Part of me really gives myself little credit for anything.

I am so glad I'm in therapy. Damn.

That conversation with her definitely lightened my mood and helped me enjoy the day much more. I went to receiving right before leaving and Jon was pretty quiet. He's like that sometimes. I was beginning to wonder if it was something about me that was making him quiet (but I do know from Rox that he does have quiet days back there). But right as I was leaving, I said I was gone for the day. He told me "See you on Thursday", meaning that was the next day he was working. It kind of took me back and I realized it wasn't me that was making him quiet. One thing about having low self-esteem is that dichotomy of also thinking people are always thinking about you. Of course you think it's in a negative way but it's still self-centered all the same.

Anywho, I finally got home, made some dinner, called my 401k people and got a loan so I can pay off most of my credit card and then after eating I walked a pretty brisk mile around the neighborhood. It was really pretty nice and then I came home and had an upset stomach. Next time I exercise BEFORE dinner.

Still need to write my two articles. Nothing like waiting till the last minute. Really I have till the end of the weekend but I totally don't want to wait till Sunday night to finish. I think I'm going to try to do the preview article tonight. Here's hopin'.

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