Scarred but smarter [ 2007-04-03, 7:33 p.m. ]

So...I had a nice day today. The kind where on my home, between grumbling at bad drivers,I was just smiling all "la la la" to myself like an idiot. I love it.

Work was the main thing today. But not just work, which was making me happy because I had a nice convo with my boss and got stuff done. I, of course, took every chance to go to the back and talk to Jon. I just can't help myself. I told him my story of yesterday about Cara going to get the salad dressing without my asking and how I really seem to be a princess. Somebody that people just want to do things for (ha!). As I was about to leave the room, he tells me "I know you usually don't do the opposite but if you ever want to do anything to make me happy, you can." I think my face turned red and I just giggled and left. Good. Grief. And the boy kept brushing up against me. Talking to me. My loins are afire.

I'm quite close to mentioning the karaoke bar and how he needs to come hang out with me. Make him give a definitive yes or no. But the timing would have to be right for me to broach that with him. I don't need to be embarassed. True, he could agree and it would be really great. But I always try to not get my hopes up about anything.

That's why during the cognitive behavioral thing in therapy where I was trying to write out how to even talk to him and one of the new self-talk results was "I might be successful", I told my therapist that my new feelings would, in all honesty, scared. She told me, well, sure but scared can also be excited. I agreed but scared was the first thing that came to mind. Sad but true. I'm just going to take this one step at a time.

And, though it might sound the opposite, I'm not in love with him. This whole thing is attraction and just liking him. I won't be heartbroken if it doesn't work out. Just disppointed. But I've never regretted trying to go after what I want. True, it's never worked for me in the past and these failures haunt me and fuck me up. But, that's life and I'm trying. All I can ask of me.

2 comments so far

last - next

Ryan Adams