Crap [ 2007-04-21, 1:58 a.m. ]

What a truly crappy day. A very crappy day.

I woke up today to realize that my period had started. Fine. It's one week late, so better late than never. Though there was no worry about pregnancy. I'm going to die alone anyway. I think it was late because of my weight loss.

I drive towards work but stop off at the drugstore to get supplies. The total for what I'm buying is less than $20 but my debit card is declined. WTF? I know for a fact that I have the money in the bank. Thankfully, I had my credit card with me. I drive to work and go in to get my cup of coffee. I was thinking that maybe it was the drugstore's problem not mine that the debit card was declined. I had no cash so I used my debit card to pay for the coffee. Declined again. Now I really get worried. Maybe somebody had stolen my identity. I go upstairs to my shared office (which was empty) and close the door. Call the bank and I'm told that my account had been restricted due to unusual activity. She transfers me to the loss prevention dept. and they go over my activity for the past few days, which was nothing unusual at all. So fucking weird. They didn't have my current phone (which I know I've given them before) so they couldn't let me know about the "problem". Anyway, they took off the restriction and just as I hang up, my cell phone rings.

It's my mom telling me that she'd taken Maddux to the vet for his checkup and the blood work showed that he had diabetes. My sweet baby has to have two shots a day and special food for the rest of his life. I started crying thinking of the fact that diabetes can shorten your life and how much I love that furry ball. With all of my heart. It just makes me so sad to think of this happening to him. I should try to be positive but I'm still pretty emotional about it.

Speaking of emotional, I just practically lost it at the end of the night. Part of me was thinking of my cat. Another part was thinking of the fact that I'm so tired of trying. So damn tired. I may as well face the fact that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my stupid life. What's the fucking point. I don't know how to talk to men. I don't look like somebody they want to talk to or kiss or anything. I'm absolutely worthless when it comes to knowing how to seduce a man. They don't want me. Jon will never acknowledge me. He probably is just plain put off by me.

So yes, a crappy day and thank God I have tomorrow off. I'm going to go visit Maddux and give him a big kiss between the ears. He's the only man I need. Or at least the only one who needs me.

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Ryan Adams