This week has been so fucked up. To top it all off, I came home tonight sobbing and just wanting to kill myself. I was lucky that somebody on my message board was there for me and gave me her number so I talked to her while she convinced me it wasn't the right thing to do.
She really saved my life. I came home feeling rejected, worthless, repulsive.... I got a knife and just kept letting it run over my wrists. I had a beer next to me and Radiohead playing, my favorite depression music. I've been so desperate this week. Like I've set this deadline for myself to get laid or whatever by the end of the week. I don't know why. But now it's fucked with my mind. And I've done stupid, stupid things that just contributed to my worthlessness. I started tonight to not care for the first time that my parents would grieve for me. In my state, I kept thinking.."well, they have two other daughters, it's ok". My message board friend told me "That isn't right. You're not just another daughter. You're an individual. You matter." I'm so very glad she was there for me. I really feel like I might have gone through with it. But instead I sit here with a movie playing in the background and some spaghetti heating up in the oven. I do need something hot to eat and then sleep. Good sleep.
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