Plinko [ 2007-06-15, 11:53 a.m. ]

You'll never guess what I'm watching. Give up? I'm watching Bob Barker's last "Price is Right". I just happen to be off today which is the airing of his last show. This show reminds me of so much of my youth. When I was a kid, I'd watch it every day. As a teen, during summer vacation, it was a ritual. Bob always did a good job with all the wack jobs that would be up on stage with him. So, it's a bit sad to see him go. Another part of my youth gone forever.

I went to the bar on Wednesday and Thursday. No sign of Will unfortunately. Sigh. It's like a needle in a haystack. Crap.

I had my therapist appointment yesterday morning. It went pretty well. I can't say I'm feeling great but I'm a bit better. Yes, I did drink a bit when I went out these two nights. But there was no getting my drunk on. Which is really the point.

I sang some new songs last night. Meaning, ones that I've never sung at karaoke. I sang the hell outta of "House of the Rising Sun" and also "Town without Pity" and "Crying". I'm tempted to go tonight but only if I feel like it.

Yesterday at work we're playing the Alison Krauss (whom I really do like) cd which has a very sad song on there about suicide. It set into a motion a whole scenario in my mind about what if I'd gone through with it on Friday night? My parents would have worried about not hearing from me. Somebody would have come over and found me dead. My parents would have had to deal with the death of a child and I know it would have hit them physically and mentally, too. I don't think that's something you recover from. Also, my sisters would have felt like a part of them was gone. I say this because this is how I will feel if one of them ever dies. I really don't want to ever know this feeling.

I know that suicide effects so many people who know the victim. Some say it's selfish but you have to know that while in that kind of messed up state, you aren't thinking clearly. You're just feeling an enormous amount of pain that you want to stop. But I know that if somebody I knew commited suicide that I would feel like maybe I could have done something. And the guilt would stay with you for a long time.

So my point is is that even though I'm feeling sort of off still, my head isn't in that place anymore. I have a way to contact my therapist in an emergency if I need to. And I have a network of friends that care.

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Ryan Adams