I want to kiss you all over [ 2007-07-09, 2:50 a.m. ]

God, this is so not easy. So not easy. Being around him without being obvious about anything. It just hurts. All I want to do is look at him but I can't for too long when other people are around. If we were alone...well,I think I could get away with it. I was at trivia at the bar tonight and Jim and Brooke and I were on the same team. Sometimes they'll sit there and have this conversation and I'll feel left out but one of them will always try to include me into what they're talking about. That's just them.

Anyway, so part of me felt left out a bit but I was ok. And I keep remembering what he said about not imagining marrying Alli with Brooke as the maid of honor since he also used to date Brooke. It's very complicated.

I was talking to Brooke and mentioned that I thought Jim was the nicest person around. She agreed. I don't think he believes it. I mean, who would about themselves. We always magnify our faults and I think sometimes he does feel...unhappy might not be the word. But I'd love to talk to him outside of the group and actually talk and connect again like we did last Tuesday. It just feels like forever ago and I know it wasn't. This week has been so damn long. And my energy for lasting another three days without seeing him again...I dread that thought.

At the same time I know I need to take better care of myself because I've been eating more lately. And it's so not good for my self-esteem. Much less my health. But my mental health is my priority and losing weight was really helping my self-esteem. I feel pretty worthless physically. I can look in the mirror and think "I look pretty good." But then I go out and catch myself in another mirror and it's all wrong. Or I see a recent picture of myself and just want to cry. I hate it. I'm not sure what happened exactly. Actually I do. It was around my night o' trauma where I almost killed myself. It triggered that need to eat. To numb everything.

But the last thing I want to be is numb when I'm around Jim. I want to touch him. Kiss him. I touch him every chance possible. He gave me a hug before I left the bar tonight and he's so strong when he does that. He's probably about 6 foot and I love that feeling of getting on my tip toes to put my arms around his neck. He squeezes me tightly. And I just want to stay there.

You can say I told you so till you're blue but it won't do me any good.

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Ryan Adams