My phone's on vibrate for you,my love [ 2007-07-13, 2:40 a.m. ]

Tonight was a very strange night. I was quite tired when I got home from work around 8pm. I had texted Jim earlier in the day about if he was going out to karaoke tonight. He told me that Thomas had met a girl and was going to the 80's dance club and wanted Jim for his wingman. The dance club is TOTALLY not Jim's scene at all. But he is also Thomas' best friend. So he ended up having to do that. I wasn't really sure if I was going to go to the karaoke bar without him since I was afraid Eston would be there. But then my stubborness kicked in and I thought "Fuck that. It's my place not Eston's". So I went and the place was DEAD. It was like that almost the whole night.

So at around 11pm I started texting Jim and we texted back and forth till just after 2am. He was miserable at the dance club and really wanted to be at the karaoke. At one point, when I suggested we go to the old band club that was having a showcase tomorrow, he said "Ok,cool. I feel like I'd like to talk to you sometime if I can bring you my dumbass downer problems...if you can handle stupid relationship bullshit. Maybe." I have this feeling he is still too much into Brooke even though he and Alli have been together for 3 years. And as much as I want him for myself...well, I also want him to feel like he can talk to me. I just want to feel as close to him as I can. He's like somebody that I just want to bury my head into his shoulder and just stay there.

I have come to this realization that God has sent me two straight males in my life. One is in Toronto,Jay. And the other is here,Jim. Both "get" me. Both are adorable. And funny. And smart. And also have their own problems. Jim is two years older than Jay but that's about it. How much I do love them both. Enough to set aside my own feelings when I need to. And just be their shoulder sometimes.

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Ryan Adams