When I see you smile.... [ 2007-07-20, 2:15 a.m. ]

Tonight should have been so much better. But it wasn't. And all because Jim and Alli's relationship is a bit strained right now. While she doesn't live with him exactly, she was staying over tonight and she didn't want to go to karaoke. And apparantly that meant Jim couldn't go either without pissing her off.

So once again we texted the whole time I was at the bar. I was sitting by myself on one side of the bar. Drinking a rum and diet coke and trying to just not feel lonely. At first Jim was thinking he might make it out but he realized that it wasn't going to happen. And at one point Eston came in the bar with his girlfriend. My palms went sweaty and I just kept my head down. Thankfully, he did sit across the other side of the bar. I texted Jim that Eston was there and he said "I wish you two would make up" and I replied "I wish Eston wasn't an asshole". Jim realized I had a point. However, Eston and I both clapped for each other when we sang. We're mature enough for that, I suppose.

The first time I went up there I was so nervous having to stand up there alone in front of him. I sang the Pretenders' "Don't Get Me Wrong". It went fine but when I sat down I felt my hands still shaking.

I did go up there again at Charlie's request to sing "If Love is a Red Dress" by Maria McKee (you might remember it from the Pulp Fiction sdtrk). I sang it a few weeks ago and it killed. Charlie wants me to record it on this Karaoke All-Stars cd he wants to make. Which is really cool of him. So I sang it tonight and sounded pretty good. But at that point I was ready to go. It was after 1am and I went home, texted Jim a couple times saying that we really needed to get some good talking time in soon and that texting just wasn't the same. He said "I hate everything about cellphones". Heh. And yet we text like we did tonight quite often. I can't help it. He is so much like Jay from Toronto in how our friendship has developed. It's so cool. Jay is a soulmate. And so is Jim. They're both sweethearts. And while Jay was always a cutie, I didn't yearn for him in the same way that I do for Jim. Alli and Jim don't do much PDA but when they do anything close to it, it's like a knife in the heart. If anybody was looking at me, they'd know it right away. My heart in my eyes. It's the only way to describe it.

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Ryan Adams