Dear Diary...what is ailing me? [ 2007-07-29, 2:21 a.m. ]

I just posted this at my message board and thought I'd be lazy and just cut and paste it for over here. I cried on my way home tonight listening to Travis, whom I will see tomorrow night. And just hating myself for wanting more.

I really do feel like more of an idiot than usual. Tonight, after a few snags getting a hold of each other on the phone, I finally went over to Jim's place. Allison was going to be out of town at a family party up in the town in the western part of NC where she and Jim are from. So Jim wanted to get out of going (he's not a big party-going person) and had told me on Thursday since I wouldn't see him till maybe next Tuesday, to come over after work on Saturday. His best friend since college, Thomas, was also going to be coming over after a while.

Jim and I talked, listened to music, drank beer and smoked. Thomas finally came over and we continued talking and whatnot. Then Allison came home from being at the family party. I really had no idea she would be coming home tonight. She does have an apartment away from Jim's place but she also, of course, crashes there some nights. I was in the kitchen at the same time as Thomas and he said he would be leaving soon since Alli was home and Jim and she should have some time alone. I put back the beer I was reaching for and said he had a point. But I was still pretty lit.

At one point, in the living room, Thomas asked if I wanted to go outside to smoke. I sort of started and said "Oh, me? Sure, sure." I then went to the bathroom and prayed to myself that Thomas wasn't wanting to tell me to stay away from Jim. That it was obvious how I felt. But when I came out, Jim and Alli also went outside to smoke with us. I managed to avoid being alone with Thomas and then he left. I stayed around for a while to sober up and laughed at SNL with the two of them. Alli has never given an inclination to me that she was threatened by me at all. She's always happy, it seems to me, to see me. And I know part of this could be my habit of "mind reading" that my therapist accuses me of doing too much. And part of it is the fact that I do feel guilty for loving a guy who has a nice girlfriend. Not that I really think they're right for each other but that's just me.

I really don't know what I'll do when/if Thomas does say anything else to me. Jim is a very close friend of mine. And I've never felt like Thomas really liked me much. I mean, he acts like he does sometimes (and I know he's not interested in me..he's sort of dating Alli's sister,Brooke) but other times..I just don't know. It could very well be my own insecurities yelling at me. And that I know this is a losing battle but I don't want to surrender.

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Ryan Adams