Here I stand..head in hands [ 2007-08-01, 3:42 a.m. ]

I just don't know what to do with myself. To quote the song.

Tonight was drama. We all met up at the bar for open mic. When I got there Jim was in our booth already. I sat down and asked how things were. He said weird. And that Brooke didn't want him to tell Alli anything until after Brooke left tomorrow. So it was really difficult for him. Hold on. It gets worse later on.

So Alli and Brooke came after having dinner with their parents. Thomas came a little bit later and Eston was performing. I sat there feeling so odd about knowing all this stuff but also touched that he'd told me anything so personal.

Fast forward to later on and Brooke and Jim go outside to say their official goodbyes. Which was taking a very long time. You can imagine. Alli finally went out there and Thomas was out there. Brooke came back in to retrieve something and I met her on the steps up to the parking lot. I hugged her and just told her that this could be a good thing for her, to leave the town and see things fresh. That it wouldn't be easy at first but she should try to stick it out for a while and maybe it would be easier. I hugged her and she told me what a good friend I was. I feel like such a hypocrite. I mean, what I was telling her was the right thing to say in my opinion. But I have my own reasons,too.

I went back inside the bar. Eventually, Jim came back in and got his cigs and camera and said he would be back shortly. I got up and sang with Eston "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" (ironic,eh?) A few minutes later, Jim finally came back while I was sitting there by myself. He started sliding over in the booth and he just looked so despondent. He put his arm around me and I put my arm around him. He put his head on my shoulder and then we wrapped both of our arms around each other. He told me that things were bad (I think he said something like that. I was in heaven while he is in hell) But I hated seeing him so sad. It hurt me. We got up and both left after he paid his tab and retrieved his guitar.

I went up to the parking lot with him as he told me that he needed to finish talking to Thomas. I waved briefly to Thomas, who looked sad.

On the drive home I just thought about that hug and how glad I am that he feels that close to me. He needs me. And I need him.

I got home, took a shower and then texted him asking if he was at home. He said yes. Then I said "are you alright? I can come over if you need me to. just say the word". He said he had some wine and he needed to think about things alone. And also that our texts were probably costing him a mint since I'm not on Verizon. So I phoned him. And we spent a whole hour talking. Seriously..where he told me that he'd told Alli what he'd told me a month back about how he couldn't marry her while Brooke stood there. And Alli's reaction was so unexpected to him. She said ok..we'll see what we can do about that. Any other person would just say "screw that". He confessed to me that he'd always loved Brooke and didn't really know that she still felt that way,too. But it's too complicated now for them.

I did mention to him and I prefaced it by saying that I didn't mean to glib, that maybe he should date outside of that family. He said it wasn't the first time he'd been told that. He said that was probably what was going to have to happen.

We also talked about silly things and work things and whatever.

I don't think I can love him more than I do right now. I love being his friend. I love that he can talk to me. And yes, I know that I can't be completely honest with him but I do plan on telling him about my virginal status sometime soon. It would give him a clearer picture of why I am the way I am.

He's going to talk with Alli tomorrow and see how things are with her. I don't know what will happen there, honestly. I love her, I really do. She's sweet but I really don't think they are right for each other. And she deserves somebody who can want only her. As for me...I don't know what I deserve. But I do know that I like being the shoulder he can lean on. I've never felt more at home than I do in his arms.

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Ryan Adams