Send a message to my heart [ 2007-08-02, 3:09 a.m. ]

Here I am again. I should really really be asleep since I haven't gotten any more than 2.5 hours of sleep last night. I swear I'm going to bed after this.

My morning started groggily but I managed to get to work on time at 8am. I was feeling a bit down and not really wanting to talk much to anybody. I felt completely uninspired to do anything but still, I did manage to get a few things completed. But around 10 or so, I was just thinking over and over again about he put his arm around me and laid his head down on my shoulder. It just meant so much to me. All I wanted right then and there was to be with him. I started crying and then had to call Tracy to get somebody to take over for a few minutes. Once I was in the bathroom I started bawling. The tiredness and the stress and the pain and the love had to come out somehow and tears were the answer right then. I tried to gather myself together and saw how red my eyes were. I went to the office and tried to just take some deep breaths. I texted Jim to tell him I was having a crappy morning and that I had just cried in my dept.

I went back to the sales floor and was somehow able to keep it together. When I got to take lunch, there was a text from Jim saying "I'm sorry. Are you any better?" I said "slightly" To which he said "Slightly good then." I asked him if he could go see a movie that I had passes for next Tuesday. It's the Neil Gaiman movie "Stardust" and since he loves that author, I knew he would want to. He would probably have to get off work early to make it there on time but I'm hoping he can do it.

Later in the afternoon, I went to the dumpster to toss something out and when I closed the door of the dumpster, the latch pinched the skin on palm side of my thumb. It has a nice bruise there now. Ouch.

After work I went to my mom's for laundry and food. Then I went home and put everything away. I did text Jim on my way to the bar asking how things were in JimLand. I also a couple hours later texted "Hmm...ok, if you are still breathing say yes. If you aren't breathing say no". Still nothing back. I seriously considered driving by his apartment but you know, with this new car being orange it's kinda hard to blend in. I mainly wanted to see if lights were on, if Alli's car was there or whatever. I'm just concerned. I don't like not knowing for sure if he's ok. I'm hoping he'll text as soon as he sees my texts.

I'm about to fall asleep. So I am off to bed.

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Ryan Adams