My Dinner with Judith's Brain [ 2007-08-04, 3:30 a.m. ]

I wonder about myself sometimes. I think I don't feel close to anybody because I'm so afraid of rejection now. I worked on the whole "Mind Reading" thing in therapy today and, even though I can sometimes recognize when I'm doing it, I still continue doing it anyway.

I want to talk to Jim and I texted him a few times today but really, it was very scant. I think he's having a very rough time. His entry in his livejournal today just said "Fuck". You see, it turns out that Thomas is moving to China, of all places (Hong Kong to be specific). It's for job reasons but I have no real idea. And he leaves on Tuesday, I think. So, within a week's time, Jim is having two of the people he is closest to leave town. And not just the town but the country. My God. That would kill me if that had happened to me when I had a close knit group.

But we haven't known each other for a long time so I'm still unsure, whether right or wrong, on how free I am to put myself into his life. You know what I mean? Like, can I just call and say "I'm coming over"? I'm so tentative about that kind of thing. And I don't know how his relationship with Alli is going right now. I don't know if he's talked to her yet about what Brooke said to him.

I hate this feeling of not really knowing where I stand. I know I could reach out to him if I needed him. But how do I reach out to him when he needs me? I know he turned to me on Tuesday night. But was it because I just happened to be there? I don't know. God. Why do I do this to myself? Do I really think I'm that worthless? The answer is yes and no. The smart part of me says "no, you're a good person. You want to help him." and the other part of me just says "Yes. And you know it." Gah.

I have felt so out of touch with him since I haven't seen him or spoken with him since that phone call on Tuesday night. Just a few texts and that's it. I'm afraid to call him. I'm afraid I'll be brushed off. That I'll be intruding. That I'm trying to hard to be his friend. When what I should do is call him no matter what. Because it shouldn't be about how I'll feel. It should be about how he feels. Give him the chance to say, in his own way, "yes, I need some company." or just that he needs to be distracted from how low he's feeling. Exactly, Judith. I think you finally got something right.

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Ryan Adams