True [ 2007-08-11, 11:16 p.m. ]

Read my last entry from a few hours ago if you haven't yet.

As a last ditch effort, and through tears, I texted one word to Jim just before 9pm. "Hey". A few seconds later he texted back "Hey". I took a minute and texted "Can I come visit? I need a shoulder." A minute later he texted back that yes, I could but he would have to leave around 11pm to go see his brother-in-law. (He had never checked his vm,btw)

So I went over there. We sat on his front stoop, smoked cigs and drank Budweiser Select (which he always has to say instead of just Budweiser since nobody wants just plain old Bud). I told him about my financial woes and he understood completely.

Then we moved inside and watched the end of the second Charlie's Angels movie. God,that movie sucked. And we just talked about nothing and everything and whatnot. I asked him seriously how things with Alli and he were going. He kind of falteringly said they were going ok. He then said "If you really want to know all of it, here read this" He brought up this email from Brooke. The first part of it was her wishing they'd had more time together after she'd told him her feelings. There were his short replies and then her final one saying that she'd just gotten off the phone from Alli and that she was glad that Jim had told Alli what Brooke had said. But that Brooke now thinks she was just being overly emotional and that she really doesn't feel that strongly anymore. She's starting over. And that she thinks Jim needs to let Alli start over,too.

Wow. That just wasn't fair. She should never have said what she did if she was just going to retract it all. I like Brooke but that's just not right.

So anyway, it explains a lot of him wanting to just up and move to Amsterdam. I really hope he reconsiders it.

A couple of times during the two hours, Alli did call. She's in another city, can't remember where, taking a class on teaching english as a foreign language (she's quit her job and that's something she's going to go do somewhere). He told her he'd call her back since I was there and he didn't want to talk on the phone. So then she was pissed off at him apparantly. Sheesh.

Later on, before I left, we sat on the front stoop again smoking and I told him about the fact that I'd told my dr. about my frequent suicidal fantasies. If there is anybody who can understand where I'm coming from there it's Jim.

If I'd had more time to just talk to him, I would have talked about my virginal status. Because that's a big part of what makes me so insecure about myself. Or really just a symptom. But a huge one. Another time.

Tomorrow, later in the afternoon, we might be going to the record store to sell our individual crapola.

He hugged me and told me that it would either work out or not but it would be ok either way. And he gives the best hugs known to mankind. I do so love him.

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Ryan Adams