Do you know what it's like to almost die and yet love it? How you are at nirvana and then fall to earth but still smiling while tears fall down your cheeks?
Today I got an email back from Jim saying that he'd love to watch the Bourne movies but Alli would also want to see them and he wasn't sure she was coming back into town or not today. Anyway, it ended up that she didn't come back till later and Jim and I went to the bar for open mic night which also featured two new bands along with Eston playing his usual stuff.
I got there just before 10pm and started drinking beers quickly. I really just wanted to numb my brain as fast as possible. Jim came in shortly after and sat next to me at the bar. We were both drinking and smoking and sometimes talking. I did tell him that I wasn't going to let him go to Amsterdam. I said it in a kidding way though. And I told him he'd need to get a two bedroom apartment because I was coming with him. Both of us laughing it off.
I was sitting to his right so everytime he'd turn around the other way I just stared at him trying to memorize him. "My eyes adored you..though I never laid a hand on you..my eyes adored you" Yes, that's me. But I did lay a hand or two on him. I couldn't stop myself. I started massaging his shoulders and after a couple minutes he asked if I used those springy hand exercise things cause my hands are really strong. I told him no, that really it's the upper arms that do all the work more than the hands really. I ended up massaging him for about ten minutes. He kept telling me that I needed to do it for a living. How it almost hurts but doesn't and feels so good. I told him that since I have so much tension myself that I know the right amount of pressure usually needed. I'm not afraid to exert it. He was really insistent that I do something with this skill. Take classes and get some kind of license. Ha. And all because I can't keep my hands off him.
He had to skip out because Alli came home and he needed to go see her since she'd been out of town this past week. Sigh. He gave me a good hug and as he turned to go, he blew me a kiss. I think he was a bit tipsy so that was kind of sweet.
I left shortly after that and drove home with tears in my eyes. I don't know what I'll do if/when he leaves me. And I want so badly to tell him how I really feel. But I love how things are between us now that I don't want to fuck that up,too. But I also want to say something to him. It kills me. It literally hurts me.
Last night I was thinking of that guy, S., that I mentioned I would see at the bar on Wednesday. And as much as I want to do something more with him, I don't want to kiss anybody but Jim. I tried to fantasize about it but it was no good. I just kept feeling disappointment that it wasn't Jim. And I know I'll tell him soon. I can't not tell Jim how I feel. It just isn't in me to not say something.
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