Accentuate the Positive [ 2007-08-18, 3:21 a.m. ]

I am watching that show on Showtime, Dexter about the serial killer who is also a forensic specialist. Damn, this show is good. I love the whole tone of it. Michael C. Hall is so right for this role,too. His voice-overs are point on about his psychological state. And it's weird but I almost can relate at certain times. But then I know that even how I think of myself isn't always true. I don't always see myself as I really am. Not that I'm a serial killer! But when Dexter talks about how he just wants to be alone and he has to fake emotion and he just fills like he's hollow inside. I know there are definitely times when I have to fake emotion but that's when I'm feeling so low that I have to take myself out of what's going on in my head and not let things show. Not that I'm always that great at it.

And the whole "I like being alone" thing. Well, that can be true at times but it isn't nearly as true as it used to be. Or as I chose to let myself believe for so long. But now, not so much. I find that most nights when I stay home that I get very antsy. That's why I tend to go out to the bar three nights a week even though sometimes I don't have the energy to do so. I know that later in the night, I'll be itching to be around people. Not all nights are as much fun but I'm usually glad I went out.

Last night (Thursday) was pretty fun even though there was hardly anyone there. Mainly it was me, Charlie, Brandi, Quinn and Jon (who is great at doing rap songs and has a bit of an Eminem look to him) and his friend, who introduced himself as Quasar (hmmm). Jon and Quasar are both cutie pies and in their early twenties. Jon isn't usually that talkative but the night started with me commenting, when Quasar was carded, that the bartender should make sure the i.d. didn't say his name was McLovin. That took Jon into talking about Freaks and Geeks and Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow with me. He was quite excited that I knew about F&G. So all of us sat together and took turns singing.

Today I was off and had a therapy appt. It was a very good one and gave me stuff to think about. To try to switch my outlook to a more positive one and see how that changes my perception of myself. And I think that will help my own self-loathing that can really keep me down. We also talked about my suicidal fantasies which she said was definitely a symptom of my depression. That it's an escape fantasy. And how I can't be content in the moment sometimes.

So I have some things to think about and work on. And what I really should be working on right now is one of the articles for the magazine. But,nope. I think it's time to sack in and get some sleep.

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Ryan Adams