I Dream of Horses [ 2007-08-21, 5:49 p.m. ]

This depression that I am in is threatening to harm my job performance. I was late again today and I was late yesterday. Not by five minutes but by a half hour both times. You may think "oh that's only twice". But it has been going on in sporadic bursts of lateness. One week will be fine but then the next will be late here, late there. And I think my boss has had it up to here. She was busy today and I wanted to talk to her. Explain that my lateness has nothing to do with wild party nights and that's the truth. It has nothing to do with my not wanting to come to work. I like my job most of the time.

No, it's the fucking depression and it manifests itself in sleep. Deep sleep that my body and mind don't want to leave because it's safe there. I'm going to do my very,very best to right this. I can't get over my depression all at once but I can make a bigger effort to stop this once and for all.

The only good thing about my sleep was a dream that I had. I was leading a horse around by the reins and walked it over next to a tree. It laid down and looked at me and thought, which I could hear, "You have the most trustworthy eyes." Isn't that odd but magical sounding? No wonder I didn't want to wake up from that. It was such a comforting place to be. Next to that horse who sounded so wise and appreciated me.

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Ryan Adams