Silence [ 2007-08-22, 2:39 a.m. ]

I wrote another entry earlier. Go back one first.

I am so frustrated right now. I texted Jim this afternoon. Asked if he would be going out for open mic tonight. He said that he didn't know and asked if I was. I replied I would if he would and that I was off tomorrow so it would be nice to go out. He said he would see what Alli was up to tonight and let me know. I also told him that I'd sent him a myspace message (it was about my dream) and he said he'd read it in a while. That was the last I heard from him.

He hasn't read my message (you can tell that on myspace) and he never texted or called me about going out. Nothing. I even texted him once before 9pm just saying "So...". Nothing. Then a half hour later I texted "Hey,you, wake up". Nothing back. Then I fell asleep. And now...I don't know what to think. I'm trying very,very hard to not take this personally. I'm not his g/f but I am his friend and I am owed some kind of respect. I can't be mad at him though. I'm sure there is some good reason. I'm just not sure how to handle this. I really want to wait for him to contact me but I hate playing games. I'm too ...I don't know..honest, I guess is the word I'm looking for.

And just a note about my earlier entry. My depression is really not from wanting Jim. It's been going on for months and maybe a couple years. It fluctuates like most depression though. And being conflicted like I have been the last two months doesn't help things, certainly.

The thing is is that I don't want anyone being mad at him for me. I just need to know he's ok. But I'm not sure what I should do. I hate feeling needy. But I do need him. I hate feeling like this.

Edited to add: A few minutes later. I just sent him a casual email that said "What happened to you last night? As for myself, I eventually fell asleep and then woke up and watched "Big Love" episodes on HBO on Demand. I really know how to live it up." Then I mentioned about Tracy and I going to see Def Leppard tomorrow night. And that I'm planning on going to the bar on Saturday night because S.'s band is playing. So I kept it light and non-accusatory and he better answer the damn email.

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Ryan Adams