Earlier entry posted about 7 hours ago.
But now for how the evening went.
I lounged around the house after taking a shower. I heard my cell letting me know that I had a text around 9pm. I had a feeling it was Jim and it was. He was asking me when I was coming out to the bar. I told him that I would be there in a half hour. He said they'd (I assumed it was he,Alli and the friend visiting) been there 40 minutes already. I said I'd be there soon. So I was smiling as I got ready, happy that he'd actually texted me first for once. Or at least in a long while.
I got to the bar, parked my car and I was about to get to the stairs that lead down to the bar, up walked Jim and his friend. Jim gave me a hug and asked how I was. I said I was ok. He introduced me to his friend, Scott. Alli was nowhere around. Jim said they were going to see a movie, Superbad, since they had been at the bar for so long and weren't feeling it. I thought and panicked and blurted out "I'll go see it again." Jim just hemmed and hawed and said under his breath "Judith" as he took a sip of something. But I persisted. Because I'm stupid. So I followed them in my car and just kept hearing his tone in my head. He knows. He knows. He knows. That's what it meant.
We saw the movie and it was still funny the second time around. I shared a Dasani water bottle of wine with Jim that he'd snuck in. It gave me a slight buzz. And while I was sitting there laughing about the movie, I thought to myself "I'm going to go home and slice open my wrists." It almost felt good to have a plan. It would be over. This feeling of complete humiliation. Of unending loneliness. I am two different people. I can laugh, smile and joke but nobody ever can tell what I'm really feeling or thinking. Unless I let my guard down. Which is about the only thing I have left. I don't trust easily. Because I really don't think most people could ever understand me. I know, I know. I can talk to my therapist. But I really don't tell her everything. Because if I really did, I'd really be a freak.
Anyway, after the movie was over, they went their way and I went to my car. I sat there, wondering what I was going to do next. I made my decision to go back to the bar and maybe catch some of the last set. And drink. I badly needed one. Either that or just crash my car into a pole. And hope for the worst/best. But I got there in one piece. Got a Red Bull and Vodka in a tall glass. Sipped that down quickly and felt myself loosen up some. Then I got a Blue Moon on tap. The band finished, I talked to S. a tiny bit and said hello to R. who is the lead singer of the last band and also the guy who writes for the magazine who told me I was awesome.
I sat at the bar and talked to Kristy, the bartender and Matt, a guy who hangs at the bar, not the kj Matt. I just laughed and talked a bit. And then sent a text to Jim that just said "Hey. I am sorry." I'ver received nothing back from him but his phone is probably off anyway.
I will see him on Tuesday when he, Eston and a friend will play some songs at open mic. But I need to talk to him and just explain myself.
Right now those suicidal thoughts are just escape fantasies. Besides, I told myself tonight that I couldn't kill myself on my sister's (Mandy) birthday. I couldn't do that to her. But anyway, I can't do it to my parents. I really wish sometimes that I didn't care. But I do. Until I stop caring, I'm still here.
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