Desire [ 2007-09-06, 4:54 a.m. ]

I know I've said this before but I will say it again. I can only handle having so much time off from work. The problem though really is that I have no set schedule for myself most of this time. If I did, then it would be a different story. But as usual, I'm basically wasting it. I slept most of today. Went to the bar close to 11pm. Sang a few times. Nursed one beer for over an hour and still didn't finish it. Weird. Skipped out around 12:30am. There were some people there I talked to and that was cool. But most of the time it was the "alone in a crowd" feeling. I have that most of the time in my life though.

When I got home, I wrote Jim an email asking about going out on Friday. I also told him how other than my family and a couple of old friends...he is one the few that can make me included. Never makes me feel alone when I'm with him. It's so strange. He will be talking to somebody and I'll start to drift off into my own world and he'll just zero in on it right away. He'll say something to me or slap his hand on the table in front of me to get my attention back to the room. I can't say enough about how I just need him around me. And how much I hate not being able to see him everyday. Not that I ever have but it would be wonderful to have that happen. I talked to him for a few minutes on IM today. But I got so damn sleepy that I went back to bed. Grrr.

The other day I was at my parents' and I asked my mom if she'd heard about Owen Wilson and his suicide attempt. She wondered how things could be so bad to make him do that. In her mind, she said, most suicides are because of money problems with the stress and depression they bring on. I'm not saying she's completely wrong about that but obviously my mom has never been depressed enough to think of doing that to herself. Which I'm grateful for. But it made my next question to her kind of awkward. I had to ask her for some financial help (to use her credit card to pay off how past due I am on a bill). She knows I'm in therapy and on Paxil but I hope she didn't think about me and the suicide thing. 'Cause I've never told her about any of that. I don't think parents should have that fear in their heart about their children.

So sum up. Sleeping too much. Still want to do something around here (how many of my entries during vacation have read like this?). I need to see Jim. Not just want..but need. Desire.

3 comments so far

last - next

Ryan Adams