Dedicated to Carson McCullers [ 2007-09-09, 10:24 p.m. ]

I'm having a weird last day of vacation. I didn't get enough sleep because I was up watching movies and watching last week's episode of "Rescue Me". While I applaud newly sober Tommy Gavin, I also like crazy Tommy Gavin. His depression that he's dealt with since 9/11 really screwed him over and that was one of the things (besides my affection for Denis Leary) that's kept me watching. But, I have no fear that Tommy will keep doing crazy things.

Anyway, I went to my parents' today to watch the Panthers game and stay around for dinner. Once I put my clothes in the washer, I sat down on the couch. My dad said something like "I hear from your mother and sister that you've been having some financial problems lately." He got up and came over to give me a check for $200. He doesn't want to be paid back. Said he had some "extra" money and that whenever he has it, all I need to do is ask. Oh my God. I was overwhelmed. My dad. I never know exactly what to expect. But I know he loves me and doesn't want to stop taking care of me, the baby of the family. I wish with all my heart that I didn't need the help but I'm very thankful that I have parents who are that generous. Even if they didn't have it, I would still know that they would want to help.

So, anyway, I'm back here at home and I was going to watch the VMAs on MTV but after seeing Britney's very mechanical performance and then listening to Alicia Keyes' awkward reading of the teleprompter, I I let my dvr record it for me so I could maybe see a few performances.

I feel relieved to have this extra money that my father gave me. It definitely helps me because I was living on the edge with gas money to go to Raleigh on Tuesday for the Peter Bjorn & John concert at the Cradle. Also, it helps me because I'm going to D.C. at the end of September for this convention of sorts from the ezboard message board that I've been on for over 4 years. I really can't wait to meet all these people that I'm really close to in the way of internet friendships. I've actually spoken to one of them on the phone back at the beginning of June when I was seriously suicidal. I'm really hoping she will be there.

But the weird thing about my feelings for today is that...yea, I have this money. Life could be worse. But you mind just drifts back to Jim and I just long for him to be even more in my life than he is already. And it's a stupid thought because right now there's not much I can do. But still..I sigh and get all wistful. My heart is very much a lonely hunter.

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Ryan Adams