Close your eyes [ 2007-09-10, 11:01 p.m. ]

I posted this entry in myspace today.

You know what helps my hopeless view of life? Trying to just not think about it. How I'll be alone for the rest of my life. How I'll never ever be loved back, as in a man loving me as much as I love him. So, I close my eyes and think of England as they used to say. Just don't think about it. Block it out. But that only works for about five minutes.

This entry brought to you by less than two hours of sleep, no meds and pms. I'm not always this gloomy. I mean, know I was trying to come up with a right percentage of how much of myself is ok but nothing seemed honest. I kept trying to place it over the 50% mark but crap, it's really more like 30 or maybe..maybe 40%. That is kinda bad, isn't it. I don't like being this way. But it keeps drowning me. The depression pushes me down just when I think I'm getting some oxygen.


It's true that I've only had two hours of sleep. It's true that I haven't taken my Paxil, due to lack of money, until a few minutes ago since Friday night. And it's true that I'm pmsing. All those things just force a glaring spotlight on every raw emotion I have. All the way home from work (which was ok but the two hours sleep/no meds/pms didn't help my stress levels), I was just wanting to get home. I waited for my prescription to be filled and it was like being in the ninth circle of hell. If that involves listening to overly loud pop music piped in, a small toddler doing that thing where they just go "eehhhh" a lot and not having enough money to buy all the things you'd like to. I had to put back all but one thing. I know...boohoo. But it didn't help my mood. By the time I got home I was alternating between screaming at other drivers and just crying. See? This is my brain not on Paxil. God. It's just bad. Oh, so bad.

I'm just trying to not think too hard. I talked with Jim by IM today when I got home. I was trying to be serious, sort of, but he kept trying to joke me out of it. I told him I was going to kick his ass. He claimed it couldn't happen. He has many swords. I asked if that meant he had two penises. He replied "maybe". I told him that I'd underestimated him. Butlater, he was leaving work and did that thing with IM where the person doesn't give you the chance to say bye. Gah. I hate that. Stupid boy.

I calmed down some and made some dinner. I texted Christie and said "I'm a doofus" to which she texted "well,duh". See the abuse I put up with? Heh.

But the mood goes up and down. I spoke with Rhonda who used to work for me by gmail chat. She IM'd me first and then I was the one having to abruptly sign off because my friend Kathy in Raliegh was calling about plans for tomorrow night. God. I know I have friends. I know this. But that isn't why I feel lonely. It's for the reason I stated in my myspace post. The fact that I'll never be loved back by the man I so much love. Not in the way I need. And yes, this is stuff I have talked about before so feel free to just skim over this or click the X in the top right corner. I couldn't blame you. But it sort of helps me to type this out for me. To realize that I know it. That maybe if I realize it enough it'll hurt less. I'll get used to it. And be ok with it. That might not happen for a long while though.

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Ryan Adams