Well, yes, I did text a few times to Jim tonight. I think we all know that I could only hold for so long. This loneliness is killing me. I put a knife to my wrist and wanted so badly to do it. Then I put it down and went into the other room and tried to forget what I'd just thought about doing. You can't understand how much I wish I had the guts to just slice that knife across my vein. How much it frustrates me that I can't do it. I think I'm trying to eat so much food that I pop. That might be another way to go. Just eating. eating. eating. Not caring. Or trying not to. If I try to not eat anything at all, I just about faint. But then I have to eat and I eat too much of the wrong thing. I can't win. Right now I don't even care about being healthy. All I want to do is stop eating. To fast these toxins out of my body. I truly want to do that.

If you'd seen me today you'd never know what dark thoughts were circling me. I laugh. I tease and kid around with people at work. I listen to music and sing along. All in the effort of not letting myself think about anything too hard. This reminds me of that song from the movie "Grace of my Heart" where the main character sings this song that was penned by Elvis Costello
--------------------

Now I have nothing, so God give me strength
'Cause I'm weak in his wake
And if I'm strong I might still break
And I don't have anything to share
That I won't throw away into the air

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
He was the light that I'd bless
He took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

I can't hold onto him, God give me strength
When the phone doesn't ring
And I'm lost in imagining
Everything that kind of love is worth
As I tumble back down to the earth

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
He was the light that I'd bless
He took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength,

God if he'd grant me his indulgence and decline
I might as well wipe him from my memory
Fracture the spell as he becomes my enemy
Maybe I was washed out like a lip-print on his shirt
See, I'm only human, I want him to hurt
I want him
I want him to hurt

[instrumental]
Since I lost the power to pretend
That there could ever be a happy ending

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
He was the light that I'd bless
He took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength
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Except I'd never want him to hurt. I'd rather just hurt for him and know he's happy. And I just hate not seeing his face. It's been one week. One stupid week. One very long week.

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