I'm still alive... [ 2007-09-17, 12:29 a.m. ]

This is one of those days where I can almost forget how crazy I am. Or to put it in the PC way...mentally disturbed.

I got off work last night at 11pm and had to be in at 8am today. So I ended up getting 4 hours sleep. By the time I got home, I was so damn tired. My ankle was hurting me as it will when it doesn't get enough rest between work shifts. I texted Jim because I was supposed to see him. Didn't get texted back right away so I ended up falling asleep. When I woke up I noticed he'd texted me almost an hour ago. But I sleep like the dead so even though I had the cell phone clutched in my hand...I wasn't hearing it. But finally I did and he was just saying that Alli and Eston were working on a song and to come over just to chill. Y'all...I was so out of it that I actually texted back "That's ok. I fell asleep". Meaning, I was choosing not to go over there and it was before 9pm..not late at all. I drifted back to sleep and woke up a half hour later.

I laid there contemplating but still groggy. Marcia, whom I haven't heard from in ages, called me on my cell but I didn't answer it. Then she called me on my home phone so I went ahead and answered that since she obviously wanted to talk to me. (I think I just was still too tired to talk) So I answered the phone and she was saying she was going to the bar and I told her that they do trivia on those nights and she urged me to come out. But again..I said no, I was really beat.

But laying in bed for a while longer, I thought to myself. "What am I doing? I have a chance to see Jim and I'm not going over? I will so hate myself if I don't go." So I went over and hung out till just after 11pm or so. Smoked a bit. No drinking. We watched the last hour of the Emmys (I think 30 Rock is funny but we all know that The Office should have won).

I tried to take Kelvin the cat with me. I held him in my arms (the closest I can come to holding his owner) and smooched his neck and just snuggled for a minute. I love cats. How can one creature be so loving and precious and frustrate the hell outta you? Ha. That describes most men I've ever been close to.

So now I'm home and doing ok. I have been reading the Stephenie Meyer's book "Twilight". I'm halfway through it and love it. I really wish they'd had books like this when I was the target age for it. Though I have seen women close to my age buying the book,too. We can't resist a sexy, cute, mysterious vampire...or man. That's what it all comes back to, doesn't it? Anyway, I'll be going to the bar on Tuesday for open mic to see Alli and Eston do a Velvet Underground song ("Femme Fatale"). I think with enough prodding I can get Jim to finally buckle down and learn the Concrete Blonde song we're supposed to do in the future.

I appreciate everyone's comments for my last entry. Understand that most of my suicidal thoughts lately have been more of the escape fantasy kind. I would have to be completely distraught and probably very drunk to actually do anything. And even then...I think..I hope..that I would be able to reach out to somebody in that moment. I have plenty of people in my real life and here that care. As long as I can keep that in my mind in my darkest moments, I think I can stay alive.

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Ryan Adams