Sandman...I'm so alone..don't have nobody to call my own [ 2007-10-08, 11:15 p.m. ]

Though there isn't all that much to say, I feel I should add an entry anyway so you guys don't forget about me.

Hmmm. Let's see. Saturday I worked till 7:30pm. Came home, took a shower and just chilled. The bed started calling my name. I thought "Oh, I'll just take a half hour nap. And then I'll go out to the bar and meet up with Jim and Alli to see Eston play." And that's about it. I just stayed asleep. I thought about getting up at one time. I knew that I would kick myself for not going out and seeing Jim when I had the chance. But I have to say that the hopelessness I feel about myself physically and financially right now just makes me want to hibernate more than usual. So that's what I did. Sunday I was off work. I was going to go visit with my parents and watch the football game and wash clothes. But I felt like staying in my cave. So I did. It was nice to just not going anywhere but I know I can't do that everytime I have a day off. It just isn't good for me to do. In fact it sucks.

Work was ok today. Watched all the Heroes episodes that had piled up on my dvr including the one tonight. Glad to be back in that universe again. Love that the guy who played Sark on Alias is on Heroes now. Yummy.

I had a couple of very disturbing dreams Saturday and Sunday. The one that I can actually write down, because it had more of a storyline, is the one about my mom. I dreamed that my parents were divorced. My dad shot my mom on the back porch. My new stepmother found her but freaked out and didn't call an ambulance. I ended up finding her but couldn't believe what I was seeing. Finally I snapped out of it. Ran to my real home a few doors away and called 911. The operator was very rude to me, I remember, which is not usually the case since I've had to call it before. I then flash forwarded in my dream to spending time with my mom who had recovered. But I kept bursting into tears because of the guilt I felt for how I handled myself.

The other dream had my middle sister, Mandy, laughing at us and telling us she was never part of the family. That she was just playing a role. She held a gun on us and I remember feeling such rage. The rest is all muddled.

I have no idea what any of that really means. But I do know that the last time I saw my mom, I mentioned that I have many dreams about people who have died. She said that she'd be afraid to close her eyes at night. For me, it isn't a big deal. But when it involves a family member...shudder.

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Ryan Adams