rejection [ 2007-10-27, 6:51 p.m. ]

My mind jumps to the worst conclusions. But just because I know this doesn't mean I'm wrong, does it? I don't know. I hate that. Let me tell you what I'm babbling about.

To catch up, I haven't done anything these past two days. I tried to last night. But I got to the karaoke bar and heard, when I got out of my car, that they were having a band. At least that's how it sounded. I didn't go in to confirm it. But I was relieved because that meant I could just go home. Before I did that, however, I went and rented five movies and bought some groceries. Why am I doing this?

I don't know really. I don't know.

Anyway, remember how I said that I'd asked Jim if he wanted to do something Friday night but he'd said he was going out of town? I went to his website today and saw that he'd posted early this morning with a clip of him singing a song. I could tell it was done in his apartment. So my first thought, immediately, was that he'd stayed home and hadn't wanted to tell me. Not that he'd had this clip on his computer and he was up and bored and decided to post it then. Not that maybe his plans had changed and he just felt like being alone like I've been doing. He has every right to want to be by himself which is what he does even more than I do. But I took it hard. I started crying. It felt like a punch in the gut. I should go out tonight. I know I should. But I'm sick of going out by myself. So I will most likely just stay in, watch baseball and just try to not think too hard.

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Ryan Adams